<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Defeat the Low by bettertoburnout</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24431719">Defeat the Low</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/bettertoburnout/pseuds/bettertoburnout'>bettertoburnout</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Pitch Perfect (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Mental Health Issues, References to Depression, Self-Harm</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 08:07:24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>28,759</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24431719</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/bettertoburnout/pseuds/bettertoburnout</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Beca x Chloe; [from a prompt] Chloe Beale broke Beca's heart in highschool, and when she sees her years later at Barden University, decides to make amends. As she tries to win her back, she realises that she may have left Beca more broken than she ever realised. Is she too late to fix things and make Beca whole again?</p><p>cw: discussion and depiction of self-harm/suicide, references to anxiety</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Chloe Beale/Beca Mitchell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>58</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I originally wrote and posted this to fanfiction.net in 2013, reuploading here to further archive it. I will retain the author notes from the original posting that contain tw for self-harm/suicide per chapter but the whole story has a heavy focus on these topics and includes various graphic descriptions so please proceed with caution if these are issues you feel you might struggle with reading about.<br/>The fic takes inspiration from the song 'Defeat the Low' by Balance and Composure and uses some quotation from the lyrics.<br/>Re-reading this 7 years later I notice little mistakes or typos or things I would change here and there but I've chosen to leave it exactly as is.<br/>If you feel you are struggling with any of the issues mentioned in this fic, please reach out and seek help towards recovery. I feel now it would be irresponsible of me to post this story without including these resources and disclosing that although i struggled with many of things I talked about in this story for a long time, I sought help and change and am living a different life now. Thank you for reading x </p><p>Crisis support lines:<br/>UK: Samaritans - 116 123<br/>US: National Suicide Prevention Hotline - 1-800-273-8255 (Online chat, ESP &amp; Deaf / HOH options availble)<br/>AUS: Lifeline - 13 11 14<br/>Further list of worldwide hotlines: https://www.suicidestop.com/call_a_hotline.html</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>[Beca]</p>
<p>As I stepped out of the taxi and took in the sight of my new home for the next year, I had to fight hard to suppress the sigh that I knew would not fly well with anyone who heard it. I didn't want to come across as the pretentious, aloof alt-girl on my first day, but it was hard for me not to smirk at the various other students, some of whom were holding up score cards for passing girls, others dropping boxes full of stuffed animals and squealing as they frantically tried to gather them up again. Wheeling my own modest load of luggage on one of the nearby trolleys, I made my way across to Baker Hall, the building where I would find my dorm room and roommate, who I knew to be called Kimmy Jin. I had speculated for a while on what kind of person she would turn out to be, but I had to admit that I was surprised when I finally walked into my new room and was confronted with a glowering asian girl decorating her side of the room.</p>
<p>"Hi, I'm Beca, you must be Kimmy Jin?" I awkwardly extended my hand, but her expression remained stony and hostile, so I dropped my hand, sighed and began to unpack, setting up my DJ equipment in the process. I had finally got it all up and running when my dad barged in, preceded by a really lame joke, to which I allowed myself an exaggerated eye roll.</p>
<p>"What do you want dad?" he sighed and began his worn-out speech about how I needed to get a college education before going off to pursue my dream of being a DJ, a dream that he seemed to view as the whimsical fantasy of a little girl, one that contained no real substance or value. I'd given up trying to persuade him to see things my way a while ago, and this time my escape came in the unlikely form of my glaring roommate.</p>
<p>"I'm going to the activities fair." She stated, rising from her desk chair and walking over to the door. Glad of the opportunity to avoid any more of my dad's 'advice', I quickly followed her out.</p>
<p>"Yeah, I'm going to the activities fair with my super good friend Kimmy Jin." I smiled with fake sweetness as I made a dash for freedom. I hadn't really thought things through though, as Kimmy Jin made a beeline for some sort of Korean students' club, leaving me to wander around looking at stalls offering activities that I had absolutely no interest in. I knew that if I returned to my room too quickly I might still bump into my dad again, so I was forced to keep up my pretend interest, eyes scanning over each stall quickly as I walked. I was glancing over my shoulder to read a sign for the 'Barden DJs', which turned out to stand for 'Deaf Jews', when a hand from beside me thrust something straight into my face, forcing me to stop in my tracks. I took the proffered flyer, and looked across at the owner of the offending appendage. My eyes immediately locked onto an all too familiar bright blue gaze, and I gasped as recognition flooded my being. Chloe Beale. The girl seemed realise my identity as the breath left my lips, and her smile melted instantly into a look of shock and confusion.</p>
<p>"Beca?" She croaked, cheeks turning a little red as I continued to stare at her agape. The prim blonde standing beside her cleared her throat.</p>
<p>"Uh, okay would someone mind filling me in on what just happened?" She looked me up and down, raised an eyebrow and turned back to Chloe, who was now trying to stutter a reply. Over the initial shock, I adopted my normal expression of mild interest, and replied in as sarcastic a tone as I could muster.</p>
<p>"Chloe and I used to, uh, know each other in high school." Was it even physically possible for the blonde girl's eyebrows to go any higher without breaking free of her forehead? Chloe seemed to regain some composure, and nodded profusely.</p>
<p>"Yeah, it's been a while. Uh, hi Becs." I flinched at her use of the old nickname, the memories that it brought creeping back already too painful.</p>
<p>"Hi." I mumbled, staring down at the flyer in my hands to avoid her earnest gaze. It was for something called the Barden Bellas. As if sensing the question that was about to leave my lips, the blonde girl interjected with a brief explanation.</p>
<p>"The Barden Bellas is an all girl acapella group. We're one of four groups on campus. You should consider joining, we compete in national championships all over the world, it's really quite prestigious." She looked so smug, it would have been a waste not to knock her down a peg.</p>
<p>"On purpose?" Her look of self-importance morphed into a scowl, and I grinned back.</p>
<p>"Sorry, but I don't even sing." I glanced back at Chloe, who was still looking at me with pleading eyes. I sighed. "It was nice seeing you again though Chloe..." I trailed off, looking to the blonde girl for her name.</p>
<p>"Aubrey." She replied coldly. I nodded, and began to walk away. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Chloe open her mouth as if to say something else, to call me back, but then it closed again, and I kept walking away. Funny how time changes things, reverses situations and returns strength to weary bones.</p>
<p>That night, I made a mix of songs that tore my heart apart to hear, that caused me to relive each aching memory because each one reminded me so perfectly of her, and each one told the story of my heartbreak. When it was done, I burnt it onto a CD, and hid it under my already noticeably uncomfortable mattress. I didn't know why I made it, I just had to. I didn't know why I left it there, but there was a part of me that knew that maybe one day I'd need it.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>[Chloe]</p><p>When the dark-haired girl with too many piercings and an air of disinterest turned to face me, grey-blue eyes flicking to meet mine like a switch-blade, I felt a cascade of memories hit me all at once, full force.</p><p>"Beca?" I managed to gasp, as I watched her features contort into an expression of shock and pain. She looked so different. Gone was the smiling girl I once new, and in her place was a closed off remnant of her beauty, an echo of her happiness that was smothered by her dark eye makeup and heavy clothing. Several piercings adorned her ears, and I even noticed a tattoo on her left wrist. Aubrey was asking me for an explanation, but it was all I could do not to burst into tears right then and there. Luckily it seemed that Beca had already regained composure, because she was the one to break the tension.</p><p>"Chloe and I used to, uh, know each other in high school." She sounded so sarcastic and disinterested. I watched Aubrey's eyebrows reach a record hight as she turned to analyse my response. I nodded quickly, hoping to satisfy her doubts. It seemed to work, for Aubrey turned back to Beca and began telling her about the Bellas. My head was still spinning as I watched the face of the girl that I had never expected to see again there right in front of me. After that terrible night 3 years ago, I had finally left all thoughts of her behind me, and somehow she'd come back to haunt me. It was truly overwhelming, and as she turned and walked away, I almost called her back. I almost apologised. I watched her leave and suddenly became acutely aware of how she must have felt watching me do the same thing all those years ago. Beca.</p><p>
  <em>"Beca, I can't do this anymore." It was dark, but even so the look of pain and terror on her face was evident.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"What do you mean?" I could hear the fear lacing her voice, and bit back my own tears as I watched one escape her eye, trickling down her face. She made no move to wipe it away.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I just... I love you Beca, but I can't take the way people see us anymore. My parents can't stand the fact that I'm dating a girl and not the perfect dashing quarterback-doctor-to-be of their dreams, everyone at school makes fun of me and when people shout at us in the street it makes me so scared Beca, I'm scared." I saw her physically blanch, her brow furrowing desperately.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You're afraid to be seen with me? You're ashamed of our love?" she sounded bitter, and god, she made it sound so much worse.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"No, Beca, why would I be ashamed of what we have? It's perfect, you're perfect, but I don't know if I can deal with it right now..." I trailed off, biting my lip hard. I knew that I was making a mess of this, and I saw that in my girlfriend's flood of tears, the way she seemed to collapse in on herself where she stood.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"So you're leaving me?" I heard her voice break, but she refused my touch, shaking her head violently.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'm sorry." I whispered, feeling my own tears hot on my cheeks, rivers of shame marking my face. Her face went blank as she completely shut off.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Just go then." She said, and although her eyes were begging me to stay I did just that. I turned and sprinted away, leaving the girl that I loved alone in the park where we had first met a year ago. I didn't turn back for fear of breaking down, and I never saw her again.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>until now.</em>
</p><p>Exhausted, I fell into my bed in my shared dorm room with Aubrey that evening, my head racing. I had yet to admit to her what had really transpired between me and Beca, and although she knew that I wasn't telling her everything she didn't push me for details, instead sensing that I needed to tell her when I was ready. I curled up under the duvet, and began to follow a dangerous train of thought. What if I tried to make up with Beca? Not necessarily in a romantic way, but it'd be nice to befriend her once again. That would be the mature thing to do, right? I turned the idea over in my head, wincing at the possible worst-case scenarios, in the end deciding that I wouldn't seek her out, but if I bumped into her again I would definitely try to patch things up again. I smiled at another memory, and allowed myself to fall asleep on it, preferring it to the nightmare that was our breakup.</p><p>
  <em>She pushed me back onto the bed, our kisses growing more and more passionate, her hands leaving burning trails across my skin. She gazed adoringly into my eyes.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I love you." She whispered, a smile tugging at her lips. I kissed her softly before replying, trying to convey it all in that one perfect moment.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I love you too" I replied, smiling into her mouth as she pressed into me, desperate to get as close as possible. Our bodies melded together as if they were made to lie with each other in this way, and my fingers traced the perfect skin of her back that I knew I wanted to be mine forever. That night was one of heat and love and secrets whispered under kisses to collarbones and when she left in the morning still smelling of joy, I couldn't see anything that stood in our way.</em>
</p><p>I jolted awake in the night, sweating as I relieved the memories. I let phantom tears slide down my cheeks as I wondered for the millionth time, "why did I let her go?"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>AN: TW/CW - Aspects of this chapter discuss &amp; depit self-harm/suicide so please avoid if you feel this may potentially be triggering.</strong>
</p><p>[Beca]</p><p>3 or so weeks had passed since my surprise meeting with Chloe, and I hadn't seen her since. I couldn't be sure as to wether or not that was a good thing, but I pushed all thoughts of her and the encounter to the back of my mind, the way I had been doing since she broke my heart. I stayed up late mixing, and decided to take a shower. It was 2am, so I wasn't expecting the showers to be overly-populated, and as I had anticipated they appeared empty. I began to sing my current favourite song, 'Titanium' by David Guetta as I wandered over to a shower cubicle, hanging my washbag on the hook by the entrance and removing my robe before stepping into the cold, tiled space. I pulled the curtain across and turned on the water, waiting for it to warm up before stepping into the steady stream. I was already looking forward to the heat that I hoped would help to soak the tension from my muscles, and as I broke into the chorus of the song I felt content for the first time in a little while. I smiled slightly.</p><p>"You CAN sing!" I whirled round as the voice rang out from right behind my head, and was met for the second time with those captivating eyes.</p><p>"Dude!" I shrieked, yanking the curtain back across, blocking her out again. She simply pulled it back, this time leaning in to shut off the water. I stared at her, shocked.</p><p>"You should join the Bellas!" She smiled, a genuine smile, and I wondered if she's somehow forgotten everything.</p><p>"Chloe, what the hell are you doing?" She laughed, a sound that was still as entrancing as I remembered, setting off a chain of echoed memories as I stared at her dumbfounded.</p><p>"Oh, come on Becs, I've seen it all before." She winked, and I struggled to stay calm.</p><p>"Okay, well are you even going to consider the fact that some people don't take kindly to being ambushed by their naked ex in the shower? Without consent? At 2am?" Her smile faltered, and I saw sorrow creep into her eyes. She looked like she wanted to say something else, but I stopped her.</p><p>"Chloe, don't. It's just a weird coincidence that I'm here, and honestly I think we both know that we can't just pretend like what happened never happened. I can't anyway. I..." I trailed off, biting my lip. I was about to tell her that every time I looked at my arms I saw evidence of how she shattered me into a million pieces. I almost told her how every time I tried to speak in public, or talk to new people I felt her in the way I couldn't get my mouth to form words. I nearly told her how I lost all my friends after losing her, how I lost my hope and almost my life. I wanted to tell her that I was moving to LA pretty soon anyway, as much as anything because I had to leave this stale pool of memories far behind, and I almost said those fatal words, 'I never stopped loving you.' But I kept my mouth shut, and she gazed at me with unblinking eyes, staring straight into my soul - or so it seemed. She took a deep breath.</p><p>"I'm serious about the Bellas, Beca. I never knew you had such an amazing voice; we could really use you on our team." the smile that she gave me was smaller now, more modest and honest, and I returned it, nodding curtly.</p><p>"Sure, I guess that'll please my dad anyway." She backed out of the cramped cubicle.</p><p>"See you at auditions." she called over her bare shoulder, and I couldn't help but wonder if I had made the right choice in promising to go. Could I face staring into those eyes a third time? And more after that if I were to join the Bellas, possibly every day... I shrugged off the thought and went back to my shower, instead thinking of my next mix, already factoring in titanium and another, more melancholy song to match the taste that stuck at the back of my mouth when I thought of Chloe's piercing, hopeful gaze.</p><p>When I walked into the auditorium, the first thing my eyes rested upon was that gaze. That taste hovered at the back of my mouth again, and I tried hard to swallow it down. She waved me over.</p><p>"There's one more!" She called to the guy who seemed to be running the audition process, and I walked onto the stage awkwardly. Everyone had been singing a version of some Kelly Clarkson song that had been popular a little while back, but I didn't know it. Chloe hadn't even mentioned it when she invited me to audition, and I wondered at this a little. But, I realised that she wouldn't omit that detail on purpose, and returned her nervous smile.</p><p>"I didn't know we had to prepare that song." I mumbled, rubbing my hands together anxiously as I reached the front of the stage. Chloe's smile became reassuring.</p><p>"That's okay, sing whatever you want!" I gestured to the cup holding pens on their desk, questioning if I could take it. A look of puzzlement passed over Aubrey's face and Chloe nodded me on. I picked it up and placed it face down in front of me, and I started to tap out a rhythm on the base of the cup, punctuated with claps and movements of the cup across the concrete surface. I then began to sing over the top, the melody and rhythm interweaving and interlocking to create a somehow complex yet simple song. I didn't mention that I had written the lyrics, but they resonated even more when I sang them in the presence of who they had been written about.</p><p>"Oh you're gonna miss me when I'm gone." I slammed the cup down with the final line, my eyes fixed firmly on hers. Her expression was strained, and I could tell that my song had sent her thoughts reeling. Aubrey, who was sat beside her, merely nodded and scribbled onto her notepad. I left without a word, no longer caring if I had made it into the Bellas or not, just wanting to forget the way that Chloe had sent my heart racing. I never stopped loving her, and even though every time I saw her face it tore me apart, I was falling in love with her all over again. I reached my dorm in record time, and realised I had probably been running. As I collapsed onto my bed, clutching my head, I cursed myself for being so stupid. I couldn't do this again. I couldn't fall in love with her all over again, for she was a poison that tasted so sweet but rotted my insides and although I was self-destructive to the core it was all because of her and I couldn't bear it. I lay there for a few moments, allowing myself the time to feel the pain that comes with falling, and then I began to numb it. I numbed everything. This had become my coping mechanism over the years, on top of other devices, numbing everything until I became an unfeeling, uncaring shell. It was the only way to survive with the thoughts that she gave me. I sighed and rolled off the bed, realising that I had 10 minutes to get to the campus radio station to start my internship. I had signed up on the day of the activities fair, determined to do something more tangible towards my escape after having bumped into the main reason for leaving. That, and it seemed like a good opportunity to try to get some of my mixes played. I shouldered a satchel and rushed over to the small, run-down building that seemed to radiate a sense of hope and comfort. A bell attached to the door tinkled as I pushed my way in, directed to a back section of the building by a man sitting at a desk. Through this door, I heard the sound of mellow music, and upon opening it was confronted with shelves and shelves full of music, vinyls, CDs and cassettes all stacked haphazardly, piles taking up every available surface that wasn't covered with half-empty coffee mugs. I wrinkled my nose slightly at the disorder, but made my way over to the booth at the very back, noticing that someone was currently sat in it, queuing tracks. The song that had been playing upon my arrival ended, and as it faded out I heard a deep british voice echoing over the monitors, announcing the name of the station and the next track, which then cross-faded smoothly in. At this point, I had reached the window of the booth and looked in, trying to catch the eye of the guy inside, but all I saw was an empty desk chair.</p><p>"Hey, you been standing there long?" The same deep voice, this time from directly behind me. I turned quickly to face him.</p><p>"No, I just got here, I wasn't..." I trailed off as he quirked and eyebrow and swung back into the booth. "Just standing here." I sighed. Now he probably thought I was some creepy stalker girl trying to spy on him in the booth. I began to follow him into the cramped, murky room that smelled of stale cigarettes, but he was already walking back out with a box crammed full of music in his arms.</p><p>"No freshmen allowed in the booth." he stated, sweeping past me.</p><p>"I'm Luke, station manager, and you must be Becky the intern?" I opened my mouth to correct him, but was cut off by the arrival of another student.</p><p>"Hi I'm Jesse." He grinned, and the guy just shot him a disinterested look. I figured we'd get on quite well.</p><p>"I'm Luke, and you're late." He lead us over to a desk, where he placed the box and turned to give us a serious look.</p><p>"You guys are gonna be stacking CDs. When you're done, there's more. Oh, and you guys are going to be spending a lot of down-time together, so just no sex on the desk." He glared at Jesse, who seemed to be ignoring him to watch me. Luke sighed, and returned to the booth, closing the door firmly behind him. I began to retrieve the battered CDs from the box, mirroring Luke's sigh.</p><p>"This sucks. I wanted to play music." Jesse looked over, still smiling.</p><p>"Not me. I'm here for one reason only - I really love stacking CDs." I raised an eyebrow at him, trying to figure out if he was actually being serious, but I couldn't discern anything past his unwavering grin.</p><p>"So what's you're deal anyway? Are you one of those girls who's all dark and mysterious, but then she takes off her glasses and that incredibly scary ear-spike and you discover, you know, that she was beautiful all along?" I glanced up, my expression fixed on bored.</p><p>"I don't wear glasses." He looked serious for a moment, his gaze boring into mine.</p><p>"Then you're already halfway there." I rolled my eyes again, internally cursing my luck that I had somehow landed a lame unpaid job with a not-so-smooth idiot. The next hour was spent in a similar fashion, with Jesse making lame comments and me attempting to ignore him. When I finally left, it was 8pm and I was starving, so I made straight for an on-campus late-night cafe. I guess luck wasn't on my side that night, because meeting number 3 came earlier than I had anticipated. As I made my way over to the counter, I caught a flash of red and blue out of the corner of my eye, and felt my body go cold. Crap. Chloe was seated by herself at a table by the window, and I could see that she was picking her way through a plateful of food, gazing wistfully out onto the darkening quad. Honestly, just my luck that she'd just happen to be here, now. I considered turning round and leaving, but I was already too close to the counter to turn back without looking weird, and besides, my stomach was virtually eating itself by this point. I reached the counter and ordered chips as quickly as possible, silently praying that she wouldn't look across in the time it took to place, pay for and retrieve my order. My heart pounding, I eventually collected my steaming chips, the type in a take-out bag, and keeping my head down, gaze fixed on the floor, I exited the cafe. I thought I had made it, until I heard that familiar voice beside me once again.</p><p>"Hi, Beca!" I almost choked on a chip. She drew level with me, smiling broadly.</p><p>"Uh, hi Chloe." I replied, coughing.</p><p>"Fancy seeing you here. Hey, I just wanted to tell you that I thought your audition piece was really amazing! I didn't get a chance to see you straight after but it really was awesome." She slowed to a halt, and I noticed the bench on the path beside us.</p><p>"Can we talk, Becs?" I blinked, surprised at her determination.</p><p>"I guess, but what is there really to talk about anymore?" She looked puzzled, but pulled me to sit next to her. I tried to inch away, creating a small gap between us, but she closed it again.</p><p>"Beca, I just... I wanted to say that I'm truly sorry for what happened between us, and that if it's possible I'd like us to at least still be friends?" She looked so innocent, so hopeful. All I could think was how cliche this all sounded. And what did she mean, 'at least?'</p><p>"Listen, Chloe, there are some thinks that once broken can't be fixed, not completely. When you left me, I-" I stopped, noticing the tears already threatening to push to the front of my eyes, and I grit my teeth, blinking them back angrily. Her smile was long gone.</p><p>"Beca?" I could hear the concern in her voice, but shook my head.</p><p>"I'm fine." Her eyebrows knitted together in disbelief.</p><p>"No, Beca, I can see you're not. You've changed so much in three years, you're so closed off and angry now, and I'm so unbelievably sorry if I did this to you, I just-" I laughed then, so in shock at her stupidity.</p><p>"Chloe, if you could see half of what you did to me I don't think you could handle it. And some things really can't be forgotten, so I'm sorry that if every time I see your face it kills me again inside." I rose to my feet, fists clenched by my sides. "And I'm sorry that you can't honestly see what happened to me, because maybe we could fix it. But it's probably too late, isn't it? Had you ever thought of that?" I let the tears escape now, and she rose to stand facing me, eyes wild with worry and fear. I felt her grab my hand, and tried in vain to pull away.</p><p>"Beca! Please, tell me what I did, tell me what I need to do now. Let me help you!" She sounded so desperate, but my head was screaming at me to run from her touch.</p><p>"I NEVER STOPPED LOVING YOU, THAT'S WHAT YOU DID, AND I NEARLY DIED FROM IT CHLOE." I hardly realised that I was shouting, nor did I care, as I watched the effect that my words had on her face. She dropped my hand, and started at me in silent horror. I wiped my face angrily, beginning to back away.</p><p>"So come back when you think you know how to fix that, yeah?" Then, my instinct really kicked in, and I ran all the way back to my room. The first piece of good luck that night was that Kimmy Jin wasn't in, probably staying at a friend's that night, so I was free to throw myself onto my bed and let my body be wracked with sobs that tore into me like tsunamis. I hadn't meant to tell her that, but in truth I was just so angry. I was <em>furious</em> that she seemed to think it was all so easy, all so fixable, and as I fought back the urge to scream at the top of my lungs, all I could think of was the aftermath.</p><p>
  <em>As I stood and watched her leave, I thought I would never feel again. I had shut off, the pain all too much to bear, and now I was standing alone in the dark, afraid to move for fear of shattering into a million shards of broken glass.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>When I finally returned home, my parents weren't in as usual. I went to the kitchen, selected the wickedest looking blade I could find, and carried up to my room. There, I sat and wrote two long letters, one to Chloe, and one to everyone else. My parents probably wouldn't care that much. They hardly ever saw me anyway. I sealed them into neat envelopes and left them out on my desk, moving to sit cross-legged in the middle of the floor. As an afterthought, I began to play a mixtape that Chloe had made me a few months into our relationship, one that had quickly come to consist of my favourite songs. I sat, silently crying on my bedroom floor and made the final decision. This was goodbye. It seemed a little too romeo and juliet for my liking, but if I was honest I knew that I would never be the same without her, and what was the point now anyway. She was the only thing that had been keeping me alive for the past year, and even she had left. I steadied my hand and unzipped the skin of each innocent wrist, allowing my lifeblood to escape and weep down each arm, pooling onto the floor as I laid back and cried to the words of the last song on the mixtape.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Feel the heat dripping from our dirty tongues</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Gathering flames now</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Just last year we felt the hell of a sneaky spark</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Let it burn us to the ground</em>
</p><p>
  <em>There's a hole in all there is to see in these waking days</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And it's all fake</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Open wide</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The taste we've all been tasting in our tongues and in our minds"</em>
</p><p>After that, my parents kept too close an eye on me, to the point of smothering me in all the affection that I had been denied for the past 16 years of my life. I shut them out, just like I shut everyone else out. When I returned from hospital, pale and hollow with the too white bandages marking out each of my wrists, no one said anything. I guess news travelled faster than I thought in my small town, and almost everyone already knew what I had done. They shunned me, and I didn't care because I was shunning them too. Chloe kept her distance, which I guess is why she never figured out what happened to me, but occasionally I'd catch her eye across the cafeteria as I was collecting a tray, or in the halls as I struggled to put my books into my locker, and I'd see the fear and heartbreak on her face, just like I knew she could see on mine.</p><p>
  <em>"What's up, weirdo, where's your little lesbian friend?" I kept walking, head down, heart beating loudly in my ears.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Not so fast, I'm talking to you!" I heard feet running to catch me, and I too broke into a run, turning a corner and meeting a dead end, with only the locked supply closet ahead of me. I turned to face my tormentors, the same group of 'mean girls' who had teased Chloe and I whilst we'd been together. They grinned maliciously.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You not together anymore? Aw, shame, isn't it girls? Too bad you didn't actually succeed in killing yourself Beca, that would have cleared this place of at least one freakshow." She said my name with such venom it retrigerred every single thought of self-loathing that I'd ever had, and it was all I could do to not break down right there. I shouldered past the laughing group, and ran home. I had been coping somehow since my suicide attempt, and had been written off from councelling after they claimed that I was no longer a threat to myself, but lately I'd felt that self-destructive energy building up all over again, and now I knew that I had to release it. I wouldn't try to die again. I couldn't stomach the thought of another failed attempt. Instead, I satisfied myself with smaller cuts that marked each of my limbs. It never got better.</em>
</p><p>Even now, in college, I was struggling to stay clean for more than a month at a time. And with Chloe back on the scene, another stark reminder of my all-too tangible self-hatred and the reasons behind it, I couldn't stop myself. I knew if she saw this, she'd never forgive me, and so all in all I knew that I had to stay away. I had to try to save us both, just like I'd always done.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>[Chloe]</p><p>Her audition was amazing. Seeing her sitting just a metre or so away from me, singing so beautifully and openly made me want to leap up and confess everything to her, but the lyrics began to tug at my mind.</p><p>"Oh you're gonna miss me when I'm gone." she slammed the cup down, finishing the song, her eyes fixed on mine. I knew with that that she was directing the line at me. I watched her leave, and turned to Aubrey.</p><p>"So, what do you think?" She hummed, tapping her pen on her lip whilst scanning the notepad that she had been scribbling on throughout auditions.</p><p>"Well, only 8 girls auditioned, and we need everyone we can get... That Lily girl was too quiet but we can probably work on that. Stacie, she's got the look but we need to work on her... <em>inappropriate</em> dance moves. Everyone else was fine. They all need some work but we can make do." She turned to smile at me.</p><p>"But wasn't Beca great?! She can sing really well!" She sighed, her brow furrowing.</p><p>"Are you going to tell me about what happened between you or not? Because right now I'm getting too much of a view of your toner and I want to know why." I tried to stutter an excuse, but she shook her head, blonde curls flying.</p><p>"Chloe, for serious, it's aca-obvious. I've been your best friend since we started here! And if she's going to be part of the Bellas then surely I have a right to know? I don't want there to be any trouble between you two that would throw off the whole dynamic." I sighed, finally nodding slowly. She smiled triumphantly.</p><p>"Come on," she said briskly, rising from her seat. "Let's get back to our dorm, you can tell me there." I followed her quietly, not speaking a word for the whole walk back across campus. When we finally dropped down onto the sofa in our dorm, she turned to me with new concern etched onto her face.</p><p>"Chloe, I'm worried for you okay? If she's going to just hurt you or cause trouble for you then I won't let her in the Bellas. I don't want her near you if it's hurting you." I bit my lip.</p><p>"No, Bree, it's not like that. We... we dated in high school." I saw her eyes widen, and plowed on.</p><p>"She was perfect, we were in love, Bree. But you know my parents, they always wanted for me to be dating the macho jock with a bright future in a high-paying, well respected job, so imagine their horror when I came home with a <em>girl</em> who's main interest lay in a career in <em>music</em>. And they were always part of the church, so they honestly hated the fact that I was with her at all. For the year that we dated, they tried their hardest to break us up, to keep us apart, but we persisted. It was amazing..." I could feel my eyes glazing over as I began to lose myself in memories once more. Aubrey cut in, bringing me back to reality.</p><p>"So if you were in love and it was so perfect, what happened? Why did she break up with you?" I laughed, short and bitter.</p><p>"I broke up with her, Bree. I just couldn't take it anymore. All my friends were shunning me, and most of them had turned on me, not only for dating a girl but for dating one like her. She was never popular in high school, she used to sit alone and everyone just thought she was nerdy and weird. I saw past that though, and after getting to know her outside of school things just clicked. But it was getting to be too much, and my grades were going rapidly downhill because of all the extra stress of my parents yelling at me and each other over it night after night. I couldn't take it anymore. People used to heckle us on the street when we held hands, and a couple of times we got chased. It was horrible, I was so scared. I guess, in truth, I was just young and stupid. I didn't realise what I had until it was gone." Aubrey was clutching my hand now, her other hand rubbing my shoulder soothingly. I realised that I was crying, but carried on talking, determined to get this all out.</p><p>"And when I saw her at the activities fair and in the shower-"</p><p>"What?!" Aubrey shrieked.</p><p>"Yeah I talked her into coming to the audition in the showers, no biggie. And then today, I think... I think I still love her." I saw Aubrey's face contort as she tried to take it all in.</p><p>"Was she upset with the breakup?" I nodded glumly.</p><p>"It broke her heart. I never saw her after that, but I did hear a couple of rumors going round school afterwards and it sounded like she took it really really hard." I sighed, and got to my feet.</p><p>"I'm hungry, want to come to the cafe?" Aubrey shook her head, also standing and walking over to her desk.</p><p>"I've got an essay due tomorrow that I need to finish. Will you be okay going alone?" I smiled convincingly and nodded, grabbing a jacket and my phone.</p><p>"Well, text me if you need me." I nodded, thankful that my best friend was so thoughtful. I made the short walk from our room to the on-campus cafe, and there ordered a salad and a smoothie. I sat there for hours, watching the students mill about campus, and thought over my situation with Beca. I didn't really know how to approach her anymore. I thought about the rumors again, remembering how I'd brushed them off upon hearing them, convinced that they couldn't be true.</p><p>"<em>I heard that she goes to therapy all the time now."</em></p><p>
  <em>"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was a suicide attempt." I kept staring straight ahead, trying to block out the gossiping students two tables back. It had been a couple of weeks since the breakup, and rumors were flying.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I heard that she's still on suicide watch." I saw them nod to each other grimly. No, it couldn't be true. Not Beca. She wouldn't go so far as to try to kill herself. No, it was fine. We were fine.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Everything was fine.</em>
</p><p>It was about 8pm, and the sky outside was darkening, the groups of students who had been lounging on the quad now beginning to disperse back to their dorms. Noticing the reflection of the rest of the cafe in the window that I was seated beside, I noticed a familiar figure walking in. Beca. This was my chance to talk to her! I waited for her to order her food and start to leave before leaping up from my table to follow. She was moving slowly in the night air now, already selecting a chip from her packet and eating it before I reached level with her shoulder.</p><p>"Hi Beca!" She coughed, obviously startled. I smiled broadly.</p><p>"Uh, hi Chloe." she replied, and I could hear the apprehension in her tone.</p><p>"Fancy seeing you here. Hey, I just wanted to tell you that I thought your audition piece was really amazing! I didn't get a chance to see you straight after but it really was awesome." I glanced at a bench just off the past, and stopped beside it, still smiling. She seemed to notice it too, and blinked nervously.</p><p>"Can we talk, Becs?" I tried to keep my tone level and calm, but my heart was racing as she mulled over the question.</p><p>"I guess, but what is there really to talk about anymore?" I was surprised by her continued air of disinterest, but pulled her to sit beside me, inching closer when she tried to shuffle away.</p><p>"Beca, I just... I wanted to say that I'm truly sorry for what happened between us, and that if it's possible I'd like us to at least still be friends?" I couldn't believe I was being so bold. I was known for my lack of boundaries but I was afraid of what she would say, how she would react. Was she about to confirm everything that I had been fearing for all this time?</p><p>"Listen, Chloe, there are some thinks that once broken can't be fixed, not completely. When you left me, I-" She stopped, and I realised that she was fighting back tears. I was no longer smiling.</p><p>"Beca?" She shook her head.</p><p>"I'm fine." I felt my face morph into an expression of disbelief.</p><p>"No, Beca, I can see you're not. You've changed so much in three years, you're so closed off and angry now, and I'm so unbelievably sorry if I did this to you, I just-" suddenly she laughed, a short, harsh sound. It was so bitter that it made my insides twist immediately.</p><p>"Chloe, if you could see half of what you did to me I don't think you could handle it. And some things really can't be forgotten, so I'm sorry that if every time I see your face it kills me again inside." She rose to her feet, clenching her fists tightly as I watched on in awe. "And I'm sorry that you can't honestly see what happened to me, because maybe we could fix it. But it's probably too late, isn't it? Had you ever thought of that?" She was crying now, and I rose to stand beside her, taking her hand in a gesture of comfort. She did her best to pull it away, but I retained a firm grip, determined to not let her go so easily this time.</p><p>"Beca! Please, tell me what I did, tell me what I need to do now. Let me help you!" I was desperate now, my head spinning as I watched the pain move across her face in waves, each more intense than the last. And then she was screaming, and I could have sworn I felt my heart stop.</p><p>"I NEVER STOPPED LOVING YOU, THAT'S WHAT YOU DID, AND I NEARLY DIED FROM IT CHLOE." I dropped her hand. She wiped at her face angrily, backing away.</p><p>"So come back when you think you know how to fix that, yeah?" She turned and ran, and I felt the breath leave my lungs as I tried in vain to gather enough to call her back. I sank to my knees, struggling to breathe, tears escaping my eyes faster than I could wipe them away. I dialed Aubrey's number as fast as I could manage, and pressed the phone to my ear, clutching at my chest. After a couple of rings, she picked up.</p><p>"Chloe? What's up, I was just wondering when you'd be back." I could hear her crashing about in the kitchen in the background.</p><p>"Bree..." I was choking. I couldn't breathe. All background noise ceased.</p><p>"Chloe, what's wrong? Where are you?" I managed to cough out my approximate location before succumbing to the dizziness in my head. Slumping to the ground, I eventually felt hands on my shoulders, trying to wake me up. There was only one train of thought trapped in my mind, looping over and over and over. She still loved me. She really did try to kill herself. She never stopped loving me.</p><p>
  <em>"Chloe, what's wrong, don't you love me?" My latest boyfriend, Chad, was clumsily grabbing at me, trying to pull me closer. In my head I heard the violently echoing response, 'no, I'm still in love with Beca and you're an idiot.'. but I remained silent.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Come on babe, why not?" I tried to push him off, but he was getting more and more angry, eventually pushing me up against the wall with force I couldn't overcome.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You're just a slut, leading guys on like this!" I was crying, but that didn't stop him from slamming me into the wall repeatedly, dropping me when I finally cried out. He backed away, and spat at the floor in front of me.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Call me when you've sorted out your priorities."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It was all so meaningless. Ever since her I'd been with guys that meant nothing to me, nothing but a way to redeem myself in front of my parents and friends. It was then that I realised that they didn't matter, and they never had, and yet I had broken the heart of the one person who truly did just to please them. I felt sick with who I was. Sick to my stomach.</em>
</p><p>Back in our room, Aubrey came and sat beside me on the sofa, cradling two mugs of hot chocolate. She had enlisted the help of a passing student to drag me back here, pretending that I had just passed out after getting drunk. I had come round after being laid out on the couch, and now I shifted into a sitting position, picking up my mug and taking a scorching sip. I reveled in the way the liquid burnt the lips that had brought about so much pain. Aubrey was staring at me, waiting for an explanation. I sighed and conceded, and briefly explained what had transpired between Beca and I before I had collapsed. She shook her head when I told her about the rumors that I had found new stock in.</p><p>"Chloe, this is bad. I think you two should just stay away from each other. She's obviously better now, or else she wouldn't be here, and being together is obviously just complicating past issues. You both just need to let go."</p><p>"But how can I, Bree? God, I still love her. I need to tell her. I need to tell her that." I tried to stand, but fell back when my head immediately began to spin. Aubrey sighed heavily, and placed her mug down on the table beside her, reaching across to throw a blanket over me.</p><p>"You need to rest. If you're that determined then wait 'til Bellas tomorrow, you can talk to her then." I nodded, realising that it would be near impossible for me to find her otherwise, not when I didn't even know where her dorm room was. As I drifted off into sleep, my head drooping onto Aubrey's shoulder, I pictured Beca's face once more graced by a smile that meant the whole world to me, a smile that I put there. And in that moment, I knew what I had to do.</p><p>[Beca]</p><p>I woke to my phone spilling out the sound of 'Titanium' beside my head, vibrating furiously. I had set an alarm, knowing that I had to turn up to rehearsals for the Bellas that afternoon. Upon returning to my dorm the previous night, still emotionally exhausted after my confrontation with Chloe, I had found a note stuck to the door congratulating me on being accepted into the Bellas, and instructing that I be there at 9am sharp the following morning. It felt more like a deathwish than a reason to celebrate, but I grudgingly set the alarm, skimming over thoughts of Chloe and instead focusing on earning brownie points from my dad. This was exactly the type of thing he meant when he told me to 'join in' with college, in his vain attempt to keep me here. And so, I dragged myself out of bed at 8:30 am, threw on jeans, a red shirt and my leather jacket and after brushing through my hair quickly, I made my way over to the rehearsal hall in which I had auditioned the day before. Apparently, I was early in comparison to the others, for at 9 it was still just me and another, loud girl who referred to herself as 'Fat Amy' sitting uncomfortably in the hall. She was happily describing to me her 'wild' life back in Tasmania when more girls started to walk in. First came a tall girl who introduced herself as Stacie, quickly followed by Cynthia-Rose, Lily (who was so quiet it took us 3 attempts to discern her name at all), Jessica and Ashley. We sat waiting for the two seniors, and were greeted with whispered bickering through the double doors as they finally approached.</p><p>"Chloe! For serious, afterwards. I don't want this screwing up my rehearsal schedule!"</p><p>"Bree I'm sorry okay, fine, you're right." We heard someone snort in triumph, and the doors flew open to reveal our new leaders. Aubrey made straight for the front, clapping her hands to bring the chattering Bellas to attention.</p><p>"Sorry I'm late everybody," she shot a look at Chloe, who was miserably standing beside her, eyes downcast. She gestured to the chairs set up in front of her.</p><p>"Everyone take a seat, sopranos in the front, altos in the back." Aubrey had a brisk, determined tone and we did as she asked. I hesitated slightly before taking a seat in the back row. It hadn't escaped my notice that Chloe kept shooting me furtive looks from her place at the front, but I tried to ignore them and focus on Aubrey's intensive briefing.</p><p>"I have some rules. The first, and most important is this; no sexual relations with a treblemaker, or your vocal chords <em>will </em>be ripped out by wolves." She glared at Stacie at this point, who sniggered.</p><p>"Is there a problem, Stacie?"</p><p>"That's gonna be tricky; <em>he's </em>a hunter." She gestured to her crotch.</p><p>"You call it a dude?" I gaped at her, and the others laughed.</p><p>"Enough!" Cried Aubrey, her face set. "Stacie, the trebles don't respect us, and if we let them penetrate us we are giving them our power." She turned to the board behind her, and Stacie shifted her legs uncomfortably.</p><p>"Not a good enough reason to use the word penetrate..." Fat Amy muttered from beside me. I grinned, and Aubrey began to talk us through the complex diagram on the board, explaining that we would start each rehearsal with cardio, (to which we all groaned) and would start work on everything else effective immediately. She also began to mention a gig the next week, but I phased out halfway through, and was startled when I realised that she was suddenly dismissing us. I rose to leave, but Aubrey stopped me.</p><p>"Beca! A word?" I walked over calmly, trying to appear casual, aware that I might be about to take a lecture for not listening. To my surprise, she instead took a stab at my appearance.</p><p>"You know you'll have to take those... ear monstrosities out for the fall mixer?" She smiled sweetly, and I felt my anger rise.</p><p>"You really don't like me, do you?" She cocked her head.</p><p>"I don't like your attitude." I huffed, and turned to leave. Chloe was standing awkwardly by the door, and I realised that I'd have to walk past her. Tugging on my sleeves, I tried to rush past, but stopped when her hand flew out to catch my arm.</p><p>"Beca..." she almost whispered, and my heart melted when I saw the concern in her eyes, threatening to spill over and onto the concrete floor. I sighed, and turned to face her, clearing my throat to speak.</p><p>"I'm sorry for yelling last night. Maybe you're right, maybe we should talk. Do you, uh, do you want to go grab a coffee somewhere?" She looked up, her eyes now hopeful and bluer than ever, piercing straight through into my soul.</p><p>"I'd love to." she replied, offering a small smile, and followed me out into the sunshine.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>[Chloe]</p>
<p>I offered to drive us to a little coffee place in town that I liked to go to with Aubrey sometimes, but more often alone to study. It was quiet and tucked away, and the coffee was fantastic. Not many students frequented it, due to its low-key appearance and location, and so the owner knew me well, and even made my favourite coffee on sight now. We sat in silence in the car on the way there, and I hummed along with the radio to break the monotony of trees and buildings flashing past whilst we said nothing. After a little while, I heard her quietly joining in, also tapping her fingers absentmindedly on the arm-rest. She was still gazing blankly ahead, and I realised that she wasn't aware that she had joined in with the humming. I felt the corners of my mouth twitch, almost smiling as I thought, 'she's so adorable.' But then I remembered that she wasn't my girlfriend anymore, instead a distant being that I was still figuring out how to read at all, and quickly resumed my neutral expression. I did, however, begin to hum the harmony line, our voices blending instantly. I started to sing properly, the words leaving my lips like a release of pent-up sorrow, and I smiled properly as I heard her join in. She was looking at me now, trying to gauge my reaction as she too sung along, adding a lower harmony. Between us and the original artist, we created an intricate 3 part harmony. And then, when it broke into the chorus, she merged effortlessly into a completely new song, fitting it exactly. I stopped singing, awestruck as she blended the two songs together, trailing off when she noticed me staring at her.</p>
<p>"What?" I giggled, excited.</p>
<p>"Beca! That was incredible!" She shrugged, trying to hide a bashful grin.</p>
<p>"It's what I do, make mixes like that." I turned off into the parking lot just behind the row of shops in which the coffee house resided, and pulled into a space.</p>
<p>"We should try to incorporate that into the Bellas! Aubrey has this idea that we need to stick to tradition, which means singing the same songs that we've been doing for years, but we could really change the face of acapella with an arrangement like that!" I looked at her eagerly, and she seemed to stare back with fresh eyes, almost as if she was seeing me for the first time.</p>
<p>"We could try." I beamed at her, and gestured that we should exit the car.</p>
<p>"I doubt Aubrey would take kindly to me trying to modify her precious schedule though Chloe." She mused as we made our way through a back alley and into the small shop.</p>
<p>"Well you'll have me there to help sway her, I'm sure we can get her to consider it if we play her something, show her just how amazing it is." I strode up to the counter, nodding to the elderly woman behind it, Maggie, who owned the place.</p>
<p>"Nice to see you dear. Who's your friend?" She enquired, craning her neck to smile kindly at Beca, who timidly returned it.</p>
<p>"This is my g- my friend. Beca." I blushed, almost referring to her as my girlfriend. I felt so relaxed that I was nearly going back to my old ways. I noticed Beca flinch slightly, but Maggie seemed to take no notice as she reached to shake Beca's small hand.</p>
<p>"Pleasure to meet you dear. Now then, I know what you'll be having Chloe, what about you Beca? What can I get for you today?" I watched as Beca's eyes searched frantically over the list of beverages, then squealed, thinking of something that I knew she'd love.</p>
<p>"She'll have a caramel surprise please." Maggie winked at me conspiratorially, and shuffled off into the kitchen. I dug a note out of my purse, much to Beca's dismay.</p>
<p>"No, no way are you buying my drink for me, not as well as ordering it!" I laughed, stowing the note in the jar behind the counter and leading her off to my favourite table.</p>
<p>"Allow me the honour, just this once." I punctuated my reply with a wink, slinging my bag onto the worn sofa before flopping down beside it. The table was tucked in the corner, behind a protruding wall, and consisted of two well-used but perpetually comfortable sofas facing each other, and a small wooden table in the middle. Beca took the sofa opposite, sitting more carefully and folding herself into the chair with the ever-awkward grace that defined her so perfectly. She glanced at me, and then cleared her throat.</p>
<p>"What exactly did you order for me by the way?" I giggled.</p>
<p>"Trust me, you'll love it." She rolled her eyes, and leant further back into the deep cushions.</p>
<p>"You were right though, this place is pretty cool." I nodded enthusiastically, my hair bouncing around my shoulders, an action that appeared to transfix her.</p>
<p>"Yeah, I knew you'd like it here too." Her eyes rose to meet mine, and she adopted a more serious expression.</p>
<p>"So, about the other night..." I shook my head.</p>
<p>"Don't worry about it Beca. You don't have to apologise. I think we need to talk about it though." She smiled, a small timid smile that set my heart fluttering.</p>
<p>"You can start, I guess. I already said too much." she mumbled, twisting her fingers together anxiously.</p>
<p>"Okay, well I'm going to start by apologising for... well, everything really. You know, back in high school, I heard a lot of rumours... I mean, I just... Is it true?" I stumbled over my words, unsure of how to approach the topic. I was on unfamiliar ground here, and she seemed to realise my discomfort, leaning forward to calm my efforts.</p>
<p>"It's true. I'm really sorry, Chloe." she rested her elbows on her knees and brought her hands up to her face. "I wrote you a letter that night, you know. They never gave it to you because, well, I survived, but I wrote it." She blinked at me through her fingers, nervously awaiting my reaction. My mouth set into a grim line, I was about to reply when Maggie slowly rounded the corner, carrying two steaming mugs. She placed them down in front of us, before turning and hobbling back the way she had come. Beca stared at the contents of her mug, her mouth open.</p>
<p>"Is that..." I nodded smugly.</p>
<p>"Caramel hot-chocolate with whipped cream and cinnamon sprinkles. I knew you'd still have the same mega sweet-tooth as always!" I grinned as she blew on it and eagerly took a sip, humming in delight as she tasted what was one of my own favourite guilty pleasures.</p>
<p>"THIS is liquid heaven. You can't let me come here alone Chlo, I'll get fat and die if I'm allowed to drink this all the time." I noticed her shorten my name, like she had always used to when she was really happy, but didn't mention it for fear of ruining the moment. Instead, I watched her ecstatic face over the top of my own mug, feeling my own happiness double as I matched the girly joy that I knew from the Beca I used to know to this one. I finally had a link between the two, and now I felt that I could see her as not just some radically different version of the same person, but like and upgrade, almost. People change. I had finally gotten my head around that now. Admittedly, when she first turned to face me that day at the activities fair, I was terrified. I was terrified because change and instability had been forced upon me, and yet I think there was an element of excitement hidden, buried in that fear. I was afraid to approach something that wore the remnants of someone that I used to know so well, and that now was a field of land-mine mistakes just waiting for me to stumble and set one off, but a part of me was persistent, perhaps knowing somehow that I'd find my way. Her eyes were the same, and I still got as lost in them as I always had done. They reminded me of stormy weather, the kind that makes you feel all the warmer for hearing it raging outside; safer, tucked up indoors with all the people that you realise you love too much. Behind the safer walls of smirking lips and hidden meanings, her smile, when earned, was still captivating. Beautiful, even. Just as she was. I could have sworn blind that she hadn't grown an inch. Not one. Tiny and slim as ever, her small frame made her all the more endearing, and I ached to pull her into my side again, to run my hands over her cheeks and crack them once again with another deadweight smile. I watched her take joy from something so small as the living embodiment of someone caring for her, and felt the warmth again inside of me, the one that I couldn't help but feel with every nervous glance of her stormy eyes.</p>
<p>"It's rude to stare." She broke the silence, the corners of her mouth curling around the cup as she took another sip. I jolted out of my reverie, feeling my cheeks flush with the embarrassment of being caught watching her.</p>
<p>"Sorry." I mumbled, taking a sip of my own coffee blend. She shook her head, eyes still on her drink, refusing to meet mine.</p>
<p>"It's okay." Finally, she lifted them to catch my gaze, and suddenly the world was spinning back into place. Some days, I feel as though everything around me has shifted completely out of the frame, and everything has changed. It's only ever happened a couple of times; once upon meeting Beca, and once upon leaving her, and know I felt it happen again. It felt as though I was suddenly picked up on a tidal wave, and carried swiftly into another, new version of myself living another, fresh version of my life. It sounds ridiculous, but these shifts leave nothing to hold onto, and nothing is the same. But even as I felt myself changing, I realised that I could still choose to hold onto the very thing causing me to change. I lunged across the table just as she placed her drink down, and grabbed her free hand. This was the new reality. Beca was here, and I had a second chance.</p>
<p>"Beca," I choked out, my heart racing as everything that had happened to me in the past 5 years flashed before my eyes and I re-evaluated my whole current standing. She stared at me, frozen in place as I gripped her hand as tightly as I could.</p>
<p>"I still love you Beca." An all too familiar breathlessness was taking over, and I felt my eyes go wide with terror as my chest tightened unexpectedly, cutting off what remaining oxygen I had been dragging desperately into my lungs. I dropped her hand to clap my hands over my mouth, and I watched as Beca leapt to her feet, quickly running around the table and to my side.</p>
<p>"Chloe? Chloe what's wrong? What's happening?!" I shook my head, my eyelids already drooping and threatening to close as black spots swum across my vision. I felt myself falling, and sweet air flowing back into my lungs as I finally collapsed into her arms. I don't know how long I was unconscious for, but I awoke in her arms, and felt like everything had somehow shifted back into place, back to the original picture frame.</p>
<p>[Beca]</p>
<p>"I still love you Beca." She was holding my hand so tightly I thought it would snap, but as those words left her lips I knew that I wouldn't have minded even if it had. And then, her expression changed. Panic. Pure, terrified panic streamed into her eyes as I saw her try to take a breath in. Why couldn't she breathe? She dropped my hand, and leant back into the sofa, one hand over her mouth as her eyes darted frantically, trying to latch onto something solid. I wasted no time in jumping to my feet, lunging past the table and too her side, just in time for her to collapse into my arms, inhaling deeply as she did so. I sighed with relief, my heart beating twice as fast as I could ever remember it doing. A minute passed before her eyes fluttered open once again, meeting mine with unabashed beauty. I gasped at the pure blue that reminded me of every day I'd ever been happy. She was smiling now, and I stopped thinking.</p>
<p>I leant my head down, until our noses were brushing. Her eyes closed again, and I felt her anxious breath skimming across my ear. I leant closer still, and now our lips grazed delicately, enough to send my stomach plummeting in the way that signals the best part of a rollercoaster, the momentary confusion of a surprise party. As our lips collided, I realised that this was the thing that I had felt missing ever since it had left me. Love. When Chloe ran from it, she somehow managed to take it with her, and I had none left to give until she returned, now, and gave it back to me. And now it was the connection of our mouths, the hunger stored in our tentative touch, hands rusty from years left to their own devices now back on painfully familiar territory. The kiss deepened, and now it was also in the tears that fell from both of our eyes and mixed like watercolours on the dips of our chins and our cheeks, and the lines made when we smiled. We couldn't stop smiling. I felt the lines on my arms burning, but in the way that burning things releases energy. The fire was cleansing, and suddenly I realised that perhaps I'd been running from the one thing that could repair the cracks in concrete, the flaws in the stone that encased my heart, and maybe even remove the iron cast altogether. She was my prison and she was my freedom, and I felt myself escape from my own fortress and run back into the capture of her kiss.</p>
<p>I never stopped loving her.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>AN: TW/CW - Aspects of this chapter discuss &amp; depict self-harm/suicide so please proceed carefully if you feel this may affect you.</strong>
</p>
<p>[Chloe]</p>
<p>"Have you had a panic attack before?" Beca was curled into my side now, her head resting on my shoulder. I kept pinching myself, terrified that I would wake up from dreaming. But it was real. I was whole again. She looked up at me when I didn't answer.</p>
<p>"Chlo?" I tilted my head slightly.</p>
<p>"Sorry, just admiring how well you fit here." I tucked my arm further around her shoulders, pulling her even closer. She smiled softly, and gestured that I continue.</p>
<p>"Uh, yeah, after last night. After you ran off... I had to call Aubrey, and then I blacked out and when I woke up back in our room she told me that she'd had to get a random guy to help her carry me back." My eyes glazed over as I remembered each experience.</p>
<p>"It was horrible." She snuggled into me, her hand tracing circles across the skin on the back of my hand.</p>
<p>"I know. I was scared too this time. I didn't know what was happening." She sighed, and turned to smile at me again.</p>
<p>"I'm almost glad that it happened though Chloe. Wait that does sound horrible, I just mean, I-" I cut her off with another burning kiss, silencing her protests with a flick of my eyebrow when she tried to start talking again as I broke away.</p>
<p>"I know what you mean Beca. Anything to bring me back to you... It's actually quite fitting that it's a product of my own stupidity." She snorted and kissed me again.</p>
<p>"You know," I continued, caressing a strand of her chestnut hair that had escaped onto her expectant face. "I think we'd have found our way back to each other anyway. It's kind of like those birds that make a mental map of the stars above their nest when they're born, and always migrate back to that exact same spot." I grinned at her raised eyebrow.</p>
<p>"Wow, majoring in English Lit. has done nothing good for your cheesy poetic side, you know that?" I whacked her arm playfully, glancing up as someone loomed into view beside the chair. I looked up, and into Aubrey's scowling face.</p>
<p>"Chloe." She stated, making no move to sit down as Beca practically fell off me, blushing.</p>
<p>"Bree, I -" She put her hand up, cutting me off.</p>
<p>"Save it, Chloe. I just want you to know that I've already seen what she does to you, and I'm not going to be responsible for picking up the pieces when this goes wrong." She looked down at Beca, who was now crouched beside the sofa, unsure of what to do.</p>
<p>"You. Alt Girl - If you do anything to hurt my best friend, I will personally strangle you with your headphone chords then feed your body to the High Notes, have I made myself clear?" She didn't wait for Beca's stuttered response, instead turning on her heel to go.</p>
<p>"Wait, Bree, what are you even doing here?" I called out after her.</p>
<p>"You weren't answering your cell, and I knew you were with her so I had to make sure you hadn't blacked out again." She shot back over her shoulder, and then she was gone in a whirlwind of anger. Beca turned to me, stunned.</p>
<p>"Well, I thought she didn't like me before, but now I'm pretty sure she hates my guts." She sat back beside me miserably. I grabbed her hand and placed it back into my lap, stroking it soothingly.</p>
<p>"Aubrey can be... hot-headed at times. She gets very protective and, well, she saw how upset I was the other night. She just doesn't want to see me get hurt again, she'll come round when she sees how happy we are together." She didn't look entirely convinced, but I noticed her eyes light up when I offered to order a second round of drinks. We stayed that way, curled up comfortably in the tiny little coffee shop until closing time at 7pm. We drove back singing along to the radio at full blast, Beca once again stunning me into silence on occasion with her improvised mixes. When I drew up in my usual space in the campus parking lot, I took a moment to turn my thoughts over in my head, before deciding to voice them.</p>
<p>"Beca. I really do love you. Like, a lot. I don't honestly know what ever could have made me forget that, even for a moment. I was just scared. I was... I was blind, back then. Blinded by the people that I thought actually mattered." I laughed bluntly. "Guess that got thrown back in my face. I tried really hard to please them. My parents, my 'friends'. I dated these stupid, fickle guys who just got mad when they realised that I wasn't just going to let them into bed with me. And every time I brought a new guy home, my parents looked so content. Why were they more content to let me be involved with a million guys, a new dumb no-hoper jock every week, when they could blatantly see that I spent the happiest year of my life with you." I took a shuddering breath, finally releasing all of my long kept emotion in one painful outburst. I shook my head, lips pressed tightly together, my hands still on the steering wheel.</p>
<p>"You know, one night, I came home bruised and bleeding. This one guy had tried to force me to... Well, I refused, and he just shoved me against a wall. He didn't care about me at all. He just wanted me for sex and was fully prepared to beat the shit out of me when I dented his precious ego. And when I walked in the door crying and beat up, my parents didn't look half as unhappy as they did the day I brought you home. And every time my finger hovered over the call button on the phone beside your number, I just saw their faces silently hating me, hating what I was and I couldn't... I couldn't work up the guts to do it. It was killing me but I carried on pretending. And then I came here, and I met Aubrey. She saw straight through my bullshit. She saw that I was hurting, that I didn't want the guys who came knocking every night, trying to take me to parties to get me wasted. She took care of me, more than anyone had done since I left you. And slowly, she helped me to realise that I was better than that, that I didn't need to try to please anyone. She made me feel good enough. And so, I put all my heart into my classes and singing. Aubrey and I really passionate about the Bellas, if you hadn't already noticed." I laughed again, suddenly feeling the weight of the truth lifting slowly off my chest with every slow, passive tear that slid down my cheeks.</p>
<p>"I guess... I guess it just took me a long time to learn. It's so annoying when those weird old sayings are right, but you never really know what you have until it's gone. It's true. It took the absence of you to really understand what you meant to me. I made the biggest mistake of my life that day, and now I have a second chance and I just want to let you know that I'm never doing that again. I just hope you'll stay with me forever because I'm done running from the truth, okay? I'm here now. I've reached the same level of realisation that you were always at. I love you Beca, and I'm never going to stop. I never did." She had been silent all through my little speech, and only now did I see her move to wipe her own face, before leaning across to brush a tear from mine. I smiled weakly at her, and she undid her seatbelt to slide closer, allowing me to fall into her arms, sobs wracking my body as I finally let go of all the pain that I'd been holding close to me since I left. When I was finally done crying, she sat up to look me straight in the eyes.</p>
<p>"I'm so glad that you're here again Chloe. I love you too, and I'm not going anywhere either. I promise." She kissed me then, and it was all the sweeter for the meaning behind it. Stability. I had always felt the primary urge to latch on to certainty. For as long as I could remember, I gravitated towards safety. I was going to have to relearn this girl, this girl that I loved with all my heart, and I was suddenly okay with that. I knew that this wasn't safe of stable, this wasn't certain and I had to rely on hope and just keep pushing for what it all meant, but every time her lips met mine I knew it was right, and every time I saw those storm-wrought eyes it took me to the home that I had forged with her right from the start. She was my constellation. She was my star map. She was my home.</p>
<p>[Beca]</p>
<p>I woke in the night, shaking and gripping at my head as my silent scream echoed inside of it. I glanced at the digital clock beside my bed; 4:26 am. I groaned as I felt the ice in the pit of my stomach, remnants of the nightmare that had torn through my slumber. Kimmy Jin wasn't in her bed, nor had she been in the room when I returned from my evening with Chloe, so I figured that she was staying with a friend. I sat up, scratching at my arms absentmindedly. I took the opportunity to examine them in the moonlight. The multitude of scars glistened as I rotated my arm slowly, taking in the sight of each one individually, remembering the harsh story behind each. This was the one thing that I had yet to talk to Chloe about; she didn't know how much it had impacted my life, and as I looked over the fresh red lines that graced the inside of my wrist I knew that she'd feel terrible that it was still so prevalent. I didn't know how to even start to tell her about it all. She'd just spilled everything to me only hours ago, and so I felt obliged to do the same. And yet, it was so horrible. Yes, it made me feel sick with anger to hear of how boys had treated her, and how her family and so-called 'friends' just stood by and let it happen her in my absence, but I had a feeling that evidence of my own self-destruction would be even harder for her to stomach. I sighed deeply, and drew my sleeves back down over my hands, covering up the burdens that remained etched into my skin for now. As I lay back onto my bed, I ran over the nightmare in my head. It was a reoccurring dream that I'd been having ever since my suicide attempt.</p>
<p>
  <em>I sat on the floor, cross-legged in the middle of my room, sobbing to the words of 'Defeat The Low'. I was cradling a large blade in my hands, watching the tears slide across it and waiting for the courage to use it to appear in my fingertips, but it wasn't yet there. Suddenly, I heard the landing outside creak, and my door flew open. I dropped the blade and stood up hastily, dragging my hands across my face to eradicate the tears. It was Chloe.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Chloe..." I reached out to take her hand, but she just glanced at the knife on the floor and laughed. It was a harsh, cruel sound, unlike her usual bubbling laugh that I likened to the sound of a cascading waterfall. Then, she motioned towards my wrists, and I felt a hot liquid beginning to trickle down my hands, and off the ends of my fingers. I looked down, and saw the flesh cut down to the bone, my life rapidly seeping out.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"What have you done now? God, you just keep on messing things up, don't you? This is exactly why I left, Beca." She spat my name out like it burnt her tongue, and she sneered as I began to cry again.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Stop crying. You're so pathetic." I sank to my knees, the song reaching it's crashing chorus.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Help...me..." I croaked, trying again to reach out to her, but finding that I could no longer move my arms. I watched helplessly as my parents entered the room, standing on either side of Chloe.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Mum... Dad..." I tried to call out to them but my voice was barely a whisper.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Oh Chloe, look at that, she's ruined the carpet!" my mum, brisk and busy was already tutting, shaking her head at the steadily growing pool of blood. My dad nodded sternly, pushing his glasses down his nose to look over them sternly.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Now Beca, look how irresponsible you are. First talk of skipping college to move to LA and be a DJ, and now you've messed up the carpet! You've upset your mother and I too much lately."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"And me!" added Chloe, raising her eyebrow at my attempts to stutter out an apology as I felt myself get weaker and weaker.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"And the funeral bills will be through the roof I bet. You're so selfish Beca." My dad turned, and led them out of the room, Chloe exiting last and giving me one final bitter smirk before slamming the door behind her, locking it seconds later. I tried to get up, to call them back, but nothing was working anymore. I was trapped. I was screaming but it wouldn't leave my throat. The breath was stuck in my lungs. I couldn't move.</em>
</p>
<p>I always woke up screaming silently.</p>
<p>x</p>
<p>The next day was defined only by the 'excitement' of another grueling Bellas rehearsal (somehow even more exhausting and aggravating that the last) and contrasting with the still monotony of work at the station. Jesse was perpetually overly-cheerful whilst I remained silent and pensive, and the only moments of real interest came in the form of brief exchanges with Luke. He'd come out of the booth every so often to brew a new cup of strong coffee, and I'd have 'til the kettle boiled and his queue of tracks ran out to make conversation. I used this time wisely and to my favour, with the overall goal of getting him to listen to my mixes.</p>
<p>"I have a submissions pile on my desk you know. You could drop some stuff in whenever and I'll take a listen." he stated during a quick coffee run. I looked up from the vinyl with a faded label that I was trying hard to read.</p>
<p>"Really?" I said, too eagerly, and took my excited tone back a bit. "I mean, yeah that'd be cool." He grinned at me, already moving back to the booth.</p>
<p>"I'll look forward to hearing some stuff." The door closed, but I felt the metaphorical door of opportunity open, and smiled all through the rest of the shift, even when Jesse talked about 'Jaws' for an hour straight. When I arrived back at my dorm, I was greeted by the most pleasant surprise I'd had all day, which in truth wasn't a major achievement as the only other thing that had surprised me that day was how much Aubrey could vomit when she was nervous, and how many laps of the hall I could actually run before collapsing. Chloe stood shyly beside my door, holding two take-out coffee cups in her hands. She spotted me approaching and beamed, handing me one of the cups.</p>
<p>"Sorry, it's probably a little cold now, I didn't know exactly when you were due back so I've been here a little while." I returned her eager smile, leaning in to kiss her softly. I pulled away as my fingers found my keys buried deep in my pocket, and I quickly unlocked the door and lead her inside.</p>
<p>"I've been waiting to do that all day." I sighed wistfully. Kimmy Jin was out again, which was an unusual miracle, and one that I made the most of. I deposited first my coffee cup and bag, and then Chloe's stuff onto the desk, quickly turning back to pull her into a deep kiss. She gently pushed me back onto the bed until she was lying on top of me, fingers entangled in my hair. She moved her mouth to my neck now, leaving a trail of wet kisses that left me gasping.</p>
<p>"Fuck, I've missed you so much." I groaned as she moved her hands across my sides, aching for her touch again. She smiled as she brought her face to hover over mine again, her eyes dark with longing. I felt her hands on the material of my shirt, and gave in to desire. It was hard to not remember the other nights like this, and bits and pieces of each perfect night flashed in and out as she went down, button by button, undoing my shirt.</p>
<p>
  <em>Her hands tentatively searched across my skin, seeking a reaction. She got one in the form of my kiss, doubled in intensity, and my slight moans, the ones I couldn't hold back.</em>
</p>
<p>Her hands reached back up to lift the shirt off my shoulders, and I obliged in sitting up so that she could remove it. She also pulled off the t-shirt that I was wearing underneath and threw them both across the room in a heap. She raked her eyes across my exposed skin, and I smiled, closing my eyes with another memory.</p>
<p>
  <em>She bit her lip as the waves of release crashed over her. I could tell she was fighting hard to stay quiet, and eased her off her high with satisfaction at her shuddering breath and flushed cheeks. She gripped the back of my head and pulled me back in for another kiss, this one softer and more of love than of lust.</em>
</p>
<p>I opened my eyes again just in time to see Chloe's own eyes widen, her smile vanishing. I sat up, causing her to shuffle down to sit further back on my hips.</p>
<p>"Chloe? What's wrong?" And then I snapped back into reality. She could see my scars. Every single one, bar those on my legs, but the worst were all exposed. I mirrored her shock and leapt up, causing her to roll off to the side, leaving her sat on the bed, dazed. I threw on a shirt and a hoodie, unable to stop the tears from cascading down my face as I replayed her fading smile in my mind, over and over. What had I done. I stopped thinking and started moving, exiting the dorm without even picking up my keys. I heard her grab them and scramble to follow me, chasing me out into the dark.</p>
<p>"Beca!" She called, sprinting after me, slowing as I stopped and spun to face her. She approached me cautiously now, hand outstretched.</p>
<p>"It's okay Beca. We can just talk about this, it's okay."</p>
<p>"But it's not! Don't you see? I'm not worth you, I'm a stupid, ugly piece of shit and I hurt you and I'm so so sorry." I broke down now, letting myself fall into her arms. I wanted to keep running, but I had lost the energy to move at all, and so I let her hands press into my spine as she held me, planting kisses atop me head with every sob.</p>
<p>"Beca. Listen to me." She tightened her arms. "I love you. You are beautiful, and kind, funny, smart, and you're an amazing DJ who's gonna make it big because you have passion for what you do. I don't care what I drove you to do in the past Beca. I still think you're beautiful. I know that you're still beautiful, and if you'll let me, I want to help you feel that way too." I hugged her back now, my arms gripping her waist so tightly I thought I might crush her. And we stood there in that desperate embrace for long enough for the sky to open and rain start to fall.</p>
<p>"Becs, it's raining. We should get inside." Chloe whispered into my ear, still holding me. My tears had long dried up, and I was silent. I nodded into her chest, but made no other move to leave.</p>
<p>"Come on. The only storms I like to weather are the ones that you hear from being all tucked up indoors." I looked at her now, and I saw her smile.</p>
<p>"That's how your eyes make me feel, you know. The warmth of sheltering from a storm." She kissed me lightly on the nose, and then scooped me up into her arms. I squealed.</p>
<p>"Chloe! What are you doing?" She carried me back to my dorm with me protesting all the way, and laughingly deposited me onto the bed. She grabbed a towel from my drawers and began to dry us off, smiling all the time. Then, we got into bed together and lay in each others arms, feeling like a puzzle finally put back together.</p>
<p>"I love you." I whispered as I drifted off into sleep.</p>
<p>"I love you too." she replied, playing with my hair.</p>
<p>As usual, I woke up silently screaming.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>AN: TW/CW - Aspects of this chapter deal with &amp; describe self-harm/suicide so please proceed carefully if you feel you may be affected.</strong>
</p><p>[Chloe]</p><p>Something whacked me in the side of my head, and I jolted awake. I took a few seconds to gauge my surroundings, and realised that I was in Beca's bed. It was still dark out, and when I turned to look for the girl I noticed that it had been her flailing arm that had hit me. She was sat up in the tangled sheets, panting, with tears and sweat mixing on her slightly coloured cheeks.</p><p>"Beca?" I mumbled, also sitting up and rubbing the side of my head. She turned her head quickly, eyes wild.</p><p>"Chloe? Oh my god, did I hurt you? I'm so sorry, I-" I shook my head, moving in closer.</p><p>"No it's okay. What's wrong?" She bit her lip, and I pressed a kiss to her cheek.</p><p>"I... I have this, this nightmare. Almost every night, the same one, I've had it ever since I tried to... tried..." she trailed of, shaking. I wrapped her up completely in my embrace, pulling her back to lie on the bed again.</p><p>"It's okay. I'm here."</p><p>"I know. I'm sorry." I let my gaze linger on hers, surprised at her apology.</p><p>"You don't need to keep apologising. It's not your fault. We're gonna fix things, okay?" She nodded, and I pressed my lips to her, eager to help her forget the nightmare. She returned my kiss hesitantly at first, but then with more and more desperation.</p><p>x</p><p>It was 6:30 am when Kimmy Jin decided to make an appearance, crashing into the room, snorting at the sight of me and Beca curled up in bed together before grabbing a pile of textbooks and leaving again. I groaned as the door slammed behind her, and felt Beca stir beside me.</p><p>"What did you ever do to deserve such a grumpy roommate." I joked, throwing off the covers and standing up to stretch and yawn.</p><p>"No idea, but I'd rather Kimmy Jin than Aubrey!" I shot her a look, unable to maintain my stern expression at the sight of her tousled bed-head.</p><p>"Someone could use a shower." I remarked, then gasping when I turned to take in my own reflection in the mirror.</p><p>"I'm not the only one." She smirked, getting up to grab a towel and her shower bag.</p><p>"Come on red, you can just borrow my shampoo." I smiled as she lead the way to the nearby shower block, the one where we had had our awkward encounter only days previously. We chose adjacent stalls, and made short work of quickly showering and washing out our tangled hair, as there were other people in the showers at this time of morning. We returned to Beca's dorm, and I borrowed a pair of her sweatpants and a t-shirt that was baggy on her shorter frame, but fit me perfectly.</p><p>"Was this mine or something?" I queried, as I noted this fit. She shrugged absentmindedly, busy applying her thick black eyeliner. I went and stood behind her, my hands resting on her shoulders.</p><p>"You really have changed a lot, you know. I'm surprised you even had a pair of sweatpants in your drawer at all!" I said, running my eyes across her drawer full of plaid shirts and dark tank-tops.</p><p>"Yeah, I guess. And everyone needs at least one pair!" She laughed, elbowing me playfully. I smiled back, glancing at her clock.</p><p>"Shit, Beca! It's almost time for Bellas!" She groaned, acknowledging this fact.</p><p>"God, Aubrey is such a slave-driver. I swear, if she makes us do that much cardio again today I'm going to have an aneurism." I rolled my eyes, dragging her away from the mirror and quickly pulling my shoes on.</p><p>"You think she's harsh now, then wait 'til you see her after you're late for a rehearsal. It's not pretty." She looked at me with wide eyes, and doubled her speed. We rushed over to the rehearsal room with 2 minutes to spare, panting as we took our seats beside the other girls.</p><p>"Alright you guys, no need to do any extra cardio, you're not gonna get on blondie's good side that easy." laughed Fat Amy, nudging me as I leant back in my chair.</p><p>"Over...slept..." I breathed. Stacie raised an eyebrow, glancing to Beca and then back to me.</p><p>"Both of you?" The other girls turned round to gawp, and Beca and I both flushed bright red.</p><p>"No!" I cried, too quickly, because Cynthia-rose just wiggled her eyebrows and winked.</p><p>"It's okay, we'll keep your little secret from Aubrey." joked Fat Amy.</p><p>"I already know." Came a cold voice from behind the rotating whiteboard as the girl in question came into view.</p><p>"Jesus Aubrey, how long have you been standing there?" Amy shrieked, but Aubrey ignored the question, instead turning to look me up and down with an air of distaste.</p><p>"Nice of you to tell me where you were last night." I gulped, realising that she'd probably been worried when I didn't return to our dorm after my evening with Beca.</p><p>"Bree, I-" She cut me off with a glare.</p><p>"Whatever. Right, let's get to work, ladies! I want 50 laps, go go go!" We all groaned and got up to begin our torture. I made straight for Aubrey, who was now scribbling on the whiteboard, still silently fuming.</p><p>"Bree," I mumbled, placing my hand on her shoulder. She spun round, eyes blazing.</p><p>"Listen, Chloe, I don't care that you're seeing her, good for you, you can obviously do whatever the hell you want, I'm not your MOTHER for god's sake. But if I'm suddenly coming second to her then at least have the courtesy to tell me, okay? Don't forget which of us put you in the gutter and which of us pulled you out of it." I stood there in stunned silence as she swept past me, egging the girls on.</p><p>"You can do it, come on ladies! Amy, let's move!" I couldn't believe that she had actually just said that. I turned and pulled her back.</p><p>"Aubrey, what the hell? I know you hate her but I told you, I was the one who left her in high school, not the other way around! It was always my fault, not Beca's! And what you did for me... I'll never forget Bree. You're my best friend and you always will be, but you have to understand, I'm just figuring everything out. I've just realised that I've got this incredible second chance and I'm so scared I'll mess it up, I never wanted to hurt you..." I saw her expression soften, and she nodded tightly.</p><p>"I get it. Let's talk about this later okay, when I'm less stressed." I blinked.</p><p>"Yeah okay. I will be coming home tonight by the way. That was a last minute thing last night, I'm so sorry I forgot to text, there was a lot going on..." She nodded again, and gestured that I join in for the last few laps of running.</p><p>"It's okay, we'll talk later." I breathed a sigh of relief that for now, anyway, she wasn't completely infuriated with me. Rehearsals were a quieter affair following her outburst, with the other girls whispering and shooting looks across at me and Beca when we sat together during breaks.</p><p>"They totally know." She sighed, unscrewing the cap on her water-bottle and taking a swig. I nodded, not entirely sure of how to deal with the situation.</p><p>"I know, I don't know how to approach this though..." I trailed off as I noticed the girls walking towards us.</p><p>"Wassup aca-bitches." Fat Amy grinned, plonking herself down on the floor beside me. The other girls followed suit. I tried not to blush.</p><p>"Hiya guys." A brief uncomfortable silence ensued, until Cynthia-rose finally cracked and broke it.</p><p>"Okay, look, we were just wondering... Are you guys really together?" I glanced at Beca, who had her eyes fixed on the floor. I realised what I had to do. Shuffling closer, I lifted her chin gently until her face was level with mine. And then I kissed her. Not just a small kiss, but a full on passionate i-love-you-makeout-session-probably-leading-to-sex kiss. I heard gasps from around me as she kissed me back, arms looping around my neck to pull me closer, and then cheers as we broke away and smiled, breathing hard.</p><p>"Yes." I said, my eyes never leaving her face. She returned the smile, then looked back to the others. We were met with only best wishes, and spent the rest of the rehearsal with our hands locked together whenever possible. It felt amazing to have some kind of acceptance for once. I'd spent the first year with Beca facing ridicule, and being hated and shunned for loving her, but now I had a group of friends who were so happy that we were together, and it made me feel incredible. I finally felt comfortable, and we held hands all the way back to her dorm.</p><p>"I have a shift at the station again tonight, and you should probably get back to Aubrey." Beca stated reluctantly as we reached her door, and I pulled her in for another dazzling kiss.</p><p>"I suppose you're right. What a shame you're so sensible..." I drawled, winking as she flushed slightly.</p><p>"Well, you can always come over later..." she mused, and I giggled.</p><p>"I'll text you." She waved as I practically skipped back to my dorm. Now I just had to clear things with Aubrey, but I wasn't too worried. Everything seemed to be going so well.</p><p>[Beca]</p><p>As I let myself into the back room that held the music collection and the DJ booth, the first thing I noticed was the absence of the station-master himself, Luke. He wasn't bobbing around in the booth, and I couldn't see him amongst any of the towering shelves, crammed full of records. I shrugged off my bag, and got to work on a particularly haphazard pile of records. A few minutes later, Jesse burst in.</p><p>"Hey weirdo." He called, already making his way over to the booth.</p><p>"Luke's not here." I replied, seeing where he was headed. He stopped and turned to look at me quizzically.</p><p>"He's not?" I shook my head, shrugging my shoulders as I turned back to my work.</p><p>"Nah, he's not in the booth or anywhere in this room at any rate." suddenly, I felt his presence right behind me, and turned back to see that he was standing a few centimetres away, wobbling slightly.</p><p>"Are you drunk?" He laughed, and I could smell the pungent alcohol on his breath.</p><p>"Jeez, Jesse, who gets drunk at four in the afternoon?" He stepped closer, smiling.</p><p>"Unrequited loversss" he slurred, leaning ever closer to my face. I pushed him back slightly.</p><p>"Whoever she is, I'm sure she'll come round eventually. You should probably leave before Luke shows up, I don't think he'll like you being drunk on shift." He tutted, still swaying slightly.</p><p>"Beca, I saw you can Chlo-Chloe today. You like her, don't you?"</p><p>"Yeah, Jesse. I love her." He laughed again.</p><p>"See...I knew it. You're not ever coming round." I gasped with the realisation.</p><p>"It's me you've been drinking over?" He pressed into me, and I felt the desk at my back, realising that I had nowhere to go.</p><p>"I'm sorry Jesse. How about we get you back to your dorm and we can talk about this later?" I tried desperately to push him off me, but he kept pressing into me.</p><p>"Luke...Luke said no sex on the d-desk," he hiccuped, and pushed his face right up to mine, his hands reaching around my waist clumsily. "And Luke isn't here right now..." I shrieked as he tried to push me on top of the desk, hitting him in the face in an attempt to free myself. He looked at me, suddenly furious.</p><p>"Beca, you fucking bitch! You hit me!" He squared his shoulders, hands curling into fists. He grabbed one of my wrists in his hand, easily encircling it with his larger fingers, crushing it in a vice-like grip. I gasped at the intense pain that his grasp caused, but that was nothing compared to what it felt like when he punched me. First hitting me square in the face, he drew back and hit me again in the stomach, causing me to double over and drop to the floor, gasping. I heard a shout from the doorway over the ringing in my ears, and looked up through streaming eyes to see Luke running over and putting Jesse in a headlock.</p><p>"Beca, are you okay?" I coughed, trying to stand up, but falling back and clutching at my stomach. Luke gripped Jesse even tighter.</p><p>"What the fuck are you doing Jesse?"</p><p>"He's.. drunk..." I managed to wheeze, and Luke shook his head, disgusted.</p><p>"He's fired. I'm going to escort him out of here and then I'll come back to look at you, okay Beca?" I nodded, and Luke dragged Jesse's angry form out of the room. He returned a moment later, helping me to my feet. I was breathing a little easier now, and thanked him.</p><p>"No need, Beca, that was WAY out of line. I'm going to report him to the dean, but right now I think we need to get you looked at." I shook my head.</p><p>"I'll be fine, just bruised. Could you maybe help me back to my dorm though? I could do with lying down..." He nodded quickly, draping my arm over his broad shoulders and picking me up entirely, carrying me swiftly out of the building. We got a few odd looks as he carried me back to my room in Baker hall, and a bemused Kimmy Jin opened the door to let him in. He briefly explained to her what had happened as he lay me out on the bed, before kneeling down to talk to me.</p><p>"If you need anything, you have my number, just call okay?" I nodded, and thanked him again.</p><p>"You're gonna want to ice that." He left, and Kimmy Jin cleared her throat nervously. This was the first time I'd ever seen her not angry around me.</p><p>"Are you okay Beca? Do you want me to get you some ice?" I nodded gratefully, and she got up to leave.</p><p>"Thank you, Kimmy Jin." She nodded curtly before exiting, closing the door firmly behind her. I checked my phone, noticing a text from Chloe. It read, 'Hey short-stuff, what time do you want me round? ;)" I debated telling her to come over, knowing that she would want to fuss over my rapidly colouring bruises, muttering to herself all the while about how much of a dick Jesse was, but in the end I just replied, 'Sorry, last minute essay I forgot to finish, see you tomorrow x' I sighed as I hit send, leaning my head back onto the pillow. A reply buzzed in only seconds later.</p><p>'Everything okay? xxx' I cursed internally, knowing all too well that she was terrifyingly good at reading me, even through text.</p><p>'Okay come over then, but don't say I didn't warn you. xxx' I shot back, groaning in defeat.</p><p>'What's that supposed to mean? I'll be there in 5 xxx'</p><p>Kimmy Jin re-appeared at that moment carrying an armful of ice wrapped in two towels.</p><p>"Here," she said softly, placing one gently on my stomach and handing me the other to hold to my already swollen face.</p><p>"Thank you." I smiled at her, grateful that she was being so nice.</p><p>"That's okay. I'm sorry I've never been all that nice to you Beca..." She acknowledged, returning to her desk chair. I shrugged slightly.</p><p>"That's alright, you're being lovely now, when it matters." She returned my smile.</p><p>"Oh, by the way, Chloe's on her way over. I hope you don't mind." She shook her head.</p><p>"That's fine, I was about to go and stay the night with my friend anyway, we have a test tomorrow that we need to cram for. I'll be out of your way." She replied, getting up and gathering her pile of books and stationary. She paused before exiting, looking back at me.</p><p>"Are you guys... dating?" I nodded.</p><p>"Yeah." She tilted her head.</p><p>"Cool. No sex on my bed." I laughed, and she left the door slightly ajar behind her. Chloe appeared through it moments later, closing it this time as she entered cheerfully.</p><p>"What was all that about an essay, Becs? Trying to get rid of me?" She stopped when she noticed the ice packs on my face and stomach. "What happened?!" She rushed to my side.</p><p>"Jesse... We were alone in the station and he was, well, wasted drunk. He said he was drunk because he saw us together and he likes me but knows he has no chance, and then... He tried to, uhm, take advantage of me and I shoved him off. He got really angry and sort of punched me a bit, and then Luke came in and took him out and carried me back here. Kimmy Jin even got me ice and apologised for being mean, so it's not all bad..." I trailed off, wincing as she adopted a horrified expression.</p><p>"JESSE did this to you? He tried to... I'm going to kill him! And he's a treble! When Aubrey hears about this,-" I placed my free hand on her arm, calming her movements.</p><p>"Please don't tell Aubrey. She'll go mental, and I don't really want everyone to know..." Chloe raised an eyebrow, but relented, now moving to sit beside me on the bed.</p><p>"Good thing nurse ginger is in then I guess." she giggled, kissing me softly.</p><p>We spent the rest of the afternoon and evening cuddled together listening to music and watching Chloe's favourite TV show, a soap which reduced her to tears and made me laugh at how soppy it was, before deciding to sleep. I curled into her side, and allowed myself to drift off, feeling completely content.</p><p>3 hours later, I jolted awake, scrambling out from Chloe's loose embrace and standing, panting, beside the bed in the dark. It was 2 am, and I was sweating profusely. My nightmare echoed in my ears, seeming all to real.</p><p>
  <em>You're so SELFISH Beca.</em>
</p><p>I pressed my hands into my ears. Not now, not tonight. I was with Chloe. I was okay.</p><p>Another image flashed into my mind, seeming so real in my sleepy state.</p><p>
  <em>"This is exactly why I left, Beca."</em>
</p><p>I wasn't thinking. I stumbled over to my drawers, ignoring the pain in my stomach as I bent over to retrieve a small black box from the back of the bottom drawer. Then, I ran out of the room and down the hall to the shower block. There was no-one there, and I sat in the far corner, shielded from view a protruding wall. I opened the box quickly, taking out its contents eagerly with fumbling fingers. A single razorblade nestled in the foam lining, and I held it in my palm for a moment, taking in the sight. I deserved this.</p><p>
  <em>You're so pathetic Beca.</em>
</p><p>The remnants of the nightmare reverberated through my skull, shattering my sense of reasoning. This was what I had to do. I began my release, tears and blood mixing at my feet as I wept desperately.</p><p>[Chloe]</p><p>I woke up to an empty bed. Where was Beca? I looked around the small room, unable to see her tiny form anywhere. The clock read 2:15. I was worried. What if she was more injured from the punches than we'd thought, and had got up in the night and collapsed? Or what if she'd had another nightmare? I got up slowly, turning on the light to double check that she wasn't in the room. I then crept out into the silent corridor, deciding to check the shower block at the end of it, knowing that maybe if she'd felt sick or something she'd probably have gone there. I pushed into the dimly lit room, the only immediately obvious sound being that of the irregular drips falling from one or two of the showerheads. I glanced around the room, and was about to leave when I heard a sharp intake of breath from the far corner.</p><p>"Beca?" I called out softly, and heard a frantic scrambling followed by the sound of something metal dropping to the floor and a stream of profanities. I hurried over.</p><p>"Beca are you-" I rounded the corner, and stopped dead in my tracks. She was kneeling there with several tiny streams of blood trickling down each wrist, pooling a little around her. She gazed up at me with terrified eyes.</p><p>"Chloe..." She said, choking on another sob. I fell to my knees in front of her, dazed.</p><p>"It's okay, it's okay." I mumbled, my hands reaching for hers. I led her over to a shower, turned on the water and lightly washed away the blood. Then, pressing my hands to her wounds I drew her back to her room, wrapping them in soft bandages from the first aid kit under her bed. I tried to take it in. I had just assumed that I was good enough to save her. I thought that my presence enough would be alone, but I realised that in that belief I was forgetting years of unhappiness and expecting it all to vanish within mere days.</p><p>"I'm so sorry, Beca. You should have woken me..." She pressed into me. We were back in the bed now, the light still on.</p><p>"I know. I was just... half in the dream still I guess. I could still hear the things that you- they were saying to me." I started.</p><p>"Me?" She nodded slightly.</p><p>"I'm there?"</p><p>"Yes." I wrapped her even tighter in my arms.</p><p>"Then I'm sorry for that version of me, even though she doesn't exist. I hope that soon you can replace her."</p><p>"Me too."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>[Beca]</p>
<p>The next few days passed by in a blur, each much the same as the other. Chloe stayed every night, and every night I woke up crying. The thing was, that even over this short space of 3 or 4 days, I began to notice that her continual presence was having an effect on my nightmares. On the fourth night, I slipped quietly into consciousness, and immediately turned over to face the sleeping redhead. No tears stained the pillow. I hadn't woken up screaming or crying, instead calmly and now I felt okay. I felt happy. I stroked her face tenderly, and fell back asleep in minutes. She was so excited when she woke.</p>
<p>"Beca! You didn't wake me up last night!" I nodded, beaming.</p>
<p>"I know, when I woke up I wasn't crying or screaming, it was really gentle. And I felt okay." She hugged me tight, and I felt so happy.</p>
<p>The aching of my arms ceased in this time too, leaving me feeling like I could finally leave my habit behind me.</p>
<p>Rehearsals were tough as always, and Aubrey was quick to notice my bruised face and restricted movement on the day after Jesse lashed out at me.</p>
<p>"Beca, a word?" She took me to the side, much like she had done on that first rehearsal. The other girls were jogging around the hall, but threw anxious glances as I winced and made my way slowly over to the head Bella.</p>
<p>"What happened?" She enquired brusquely.</p>
<p>"It's fine Aubrey, I'll be healed up in a few days and able to dance again, okay?" I retorted, grumpy because of the steady ache of both bruises and eager to get this encounter over with. She placed a hand awkwardly on my shoulder.</p>
<p>"No, Beca, I'm asking because... Because I'm worried about you." I looked into her eyes, shocked. She rolled hers back at me, withdrawing her arm. "I'm not a total ice queen you know." I laughed.</p>
<p>"Could'a had me fooled." She just quirked an eyebrow.</p>
<p>"So what happened?" I sighed, and gave in.</p>
<p>"Okay, just promise not to flip out. Jesse-" I didn't get to go any further.</p>
<p>"Beca?" Speak of the devil and the devil shall appear. He was stood in the doorway, waving anxiously at me. I stared at him.</p>
<p>"Jesse, what are you doing here?" I asked, and Aubrey turned to glare at him.</p>
<p>"This is a treble-free zone Jesse." She barked, marching up to him. He backed away slightly, hands raised.</p>
<p>"I-I just need to talk to Beca..." He mumbled, shooting me a forlorn look. I sighed and began to make my way over. Before I could make it two steps, Chloe was at my elbow.</p>
<p>"I'm coming with you." she whispered into my ear, her breath causing rapid shivers down my spine. I didn't argue, knowing that she was determined and wouldn't change her mind. And so, with promises to Aubrey that we'd be back in under 10 minutes, the three of us piled out into the corridor. Chloe stood close by my side, arms folded tightly, and Jesse hovered a metre or so away, fiddling with his watch nervously. I was the one who broke the silence.</p>
<p>"So what do you want Jesse?" He glanced up, meeting my eyes.</p>
<p>"I wanted to apologise. What I did was... So out of order, and I'm really sorry Beca. I hope you know that I'd never hit you when in my right mind." He shuffled his feet.</p>
<p>"I know. It's fine, just promise not to do that again, okay?" He nodded quickly, giving me a fleeting smile.</p>
<p>"I'm actually glad that you and Chloe have each other Beca," he continued, shyly looking at us both together. "She's right for you."</p>
<p>"Thanks." I acknowledged, before turning and walking back into the hall.</p>
<p>"That went better than I anticipated." Chloe smiled as we made our way back over to the other Bellas. Aubrey noticed our approach, and launched into a rousing speech about the importance of proper choriography, which I ignored most of. One of the many plus sides of dating Chloe was that she was co-captain of the Bellas and helped me with my dancing every night so that I could keep up. Soon after we were dismissed, and Chloe and I decided to make a trip to the coffee shop again for some well-deserved snuggles and warm cinnamon beverages.</p>
<p>We carried on in the same fashion for a while, slowly becoming as close and inseparable as before, and on my part, better. My nightmares became less frequent, only occurring a couple of nights a week, and when I woke up silently, Chloe was always there. The stability of her presence was doing wonders for me. I began to open up again, and really appreciate my friends in the Bellas. A few weeks later we headed off to compete in the first stage of the ICCAs, reigonals. We performed an old 'traditional' Bellas song that Aubrey had been driving us to learn from day one, 'I saw the Sign'. It was a dull number compared to the trebles' exciting rendition of 'Right Round', which earned them first place. Still, we came second which meant advancing to the semis, and I had to admit that Chloe's solos left me stunned. She was one of the few Bellas who actually made the drab air-hostess-like uniform look good - in fact, more than good, she looked sexy in her tight business skirt, low cut shirt and Bellas scarf. She threw me a wink as we walked off stage, and I worked to hide the blush creeping into my cheeks. Fat Amy saw the exchange and nudged me conspiratorially.</p>
<p>"Red looks pretty smokin' tonight, eh shorty?" I nodded meekly, all too guilty of watching Chloe's retreating figure ahead of me, her hips swaying as if she knew I was looking. Amy laughed, following my gaze.</p>
<p>The Trebles had left the hall before us, and were now in the foyer, apparently about to fight a middle-aged acapella group. Bumper was making some lame excuse about tearing a quad when one of the guys started laying into Jesse, trying to make him hit him with the trophy that he was holding. We were all standing by the entrance now, watching the events unfolding. Fat Amy was contemplating joining the fray, despite warning glares from Chloe and Aubrey.</p>
<p>"I've wrestled crocodiles and dingoes simultaneously." She protested, as Chloe shook her head sternly. The guy harassing Jesse was getting more and more persistent, and I decided to intervene. After all, despite the fact that I still had the remnants of a black eye because of him, I felt sorry for the normally peaceful Treble.</p>
<p>"I'm just gonna check on him..." I mumbled, beginning to pick my way through the crowd and towards Jesse. The guy was on his knees, begging Jesse to punch him.</p>
<p>"Hey, come on man, he's not gonna do it. Leave it." I stated blankly, grabbing Jesse's elbow in an attempt to steer him away. The guy now leapt forward, grabbing my ankle.</p>
<p>"I need to feel something!" He cried, and I spun back, angry. I steeled myself, and thought, 'screw it.' My left hook hit him square in the jaw, and he reeled back.</p>
<p>"That was FANTASTIC!" He moaned, clutching his face. A collective gasp went up, and I glanced up to see Chloe looking horrified as well as deeply concerned. She was now trying to reign in Fat Amy, but it was too late and she ran over, joining in the 'fight'. As she tried to wrestle the trophy from me to hit the guy, she obliged in giving him a hefty kick to the groin, causing him to fall back for a second time.</p>
<p>"Amy!" I shrieked, and tried to twist the trophy from her grip.</p>
<p>"FEEL THE FAT POWER!" She yelled, and at that moment a section of the trophy broke away in my hands, leaving the rest of it to hurtle through the massive glass panel to our left, shattering it completely. The whole room stopped, and the crowd of onlookers quickly dispersed, leaving me standing there holding part of the trophy, a cop who had seen the glass break from the street now making his way towards me. Amy ran off down the corridor along with the trebles and most of the Bellas. I noticed Chloe pushing her way towards me, only to be held back by Aubrey.</p>
<p>"I have to go help Beca!" She was saying, trying to break free from Aubrey's strong grip.</p>
<p>"You have to help me get the Bellas home. I can't have one of my captains getting in trouble as well, it's bad enough that she's going to be arrested whilst in uniform." Aubrey retorted. They were still bickering as the officer placed handcuffs on me roughly, charging me with destruction of public property. Chloe called out to me as I was lead away.</p>
<p>"I'll follow in a taxi Beca!" I nodded glumly, and watched her run out onto the street after me, hailing a taxi and instructing it to tail the police car. At the station, I was thrown into a small cell, still wearing the tight handcuffs. I sighed, and settled back against the cold concrete wall. It was going to be a long night.</p>
<p>[Chloe]</p>
<p>I ran into the police station, frantically making straight for the front desk.</p>
<p>"I'm here to bail out Beca Mitchell." I said in as level a tone as I could manage whilst I tried to control my erratic breathing. The receptionist gave me a questioning look, handing me a form attached to a clipboard and a pen.</p>
<p>"She's literally only just come in; we're still logging her into the system, so you'll have to wait about 45-60 minutes until you can collect her. The charge will be $100." I gulped, but nodded and made my way back over to the waiting area, where I sat and filled out the form. Luckily I knew most of Beca's personal information, and I handed it back shortly after receiving it.</p>
<p>"Is it okay if I just run to an ATM to take out the money?" I enquired nervously. The receptionist nodded, then pointed to an alcove further down the hall.</p>
<p>"We have one here that you can use." I thanked her, and went to withdraw the money. It wasn't backbreaking, but with student living costs being what they were I still wasn't too happy to part with $100 of my savings. Still, it was worth it to save Beca a night or two in the cells, and I handed it over to the receptionist without hesitation. She filed it and gestured that I take a seat.</p>
<p>"You've still got half an hour to wait, miss." I sat back down reluctantly, and pulled out my phone. I had 3 missed calls from Aubrey. I dialed her number and stepped outside, pressing the phone to my ear. She picked up after a single ring.</p>
<p>"Chloe? Where are you? Is she out yet?" I sighed.</p>
<p>"No, Bree, I just filled out the form and paid the bail money, now I just have to wait like 20 minutes for them to release her. Then we'll be on our way back." I hear muttering in the background and figured that she was still with the other girls.</p>
<p>"Okay, well look, I've got our scoresheet and called an emergency Bella meeting. We're in Beca's room right now, so hurry back." She hung up, and I run my hands through my hair in exasperation. Beca always joked and complained about how uptight and strict Aubrey was, and for the most part it didn't bother me, but lately I'd been noticing the tension between us more than ever. I realised that she probably still felt as though her friendship with me was threatened by Beca, but I didn't know how to tackle that. I wandered back inside, and after about 20 minutes of waiting, a burly police officer came out from a back room, leading a tired looking Beca. I ran over and wrapped her into a warm embrace, thanking the policeman and turning to lead her outside. Her jacket had been lost somewhere along the way, and she shivered in the cold night air. I pulled her out of the light and hugged her again, this time also pressing kisses into her neck.</p>
<p>She moaned slightly, and pushed closer into my body.</p>
<p>"You sure know how to warm a girl up." she mumbled, arching her neck. I grinned, and let my lips travel back to meet hers. After a particularly intense kiss, I pulled back, smiling.</p>
<p>"Come on criminal, the others are back at your place waiting for us." She raised an eyebrow.</p>
<p>"They're in my room? Waiting for us? Kimmy Jin is going to stop that nice phase then." she laughed, slipping her hand into mine as we walked back over to the street.</p>
<p>"Yeah, Aubrey got the score sheet from tonight and apparently an emergency meeting is required." I shrugged, spotting another taxi and calling it over.</p>
<p>x</p>
<p>The girls cheered when we entered Beca's room, and she smiled.</p>
<p>"I can't believe you guys waited up for me," she grinned. Kimmy Jin, who was sitting on her side of the room, got up and turned to glare at her.</p>
<p>"They've been here for hours. It's a real inconvenience Beca." she narrowed her eyes and exited briskly.</p>
<p>"God, why didn't she do that an hour ago." groaned Stacie from her seat on the bed. The other girls nodded.</p>
<p>"Yeah, congrats on the awesome roommate shawshank." Fat Amy evidently had a new nickname for Beca, and I laughed because knowing her hate for films, she probably wouldn't get the reference. Aubrey now stood, clapping her hands firmly.</p>
<p>"Right! As you all know, I have the scoresheet from tonight, and it turns out that the Socapellas almost beat us. Amy," She turned to the sheepish looking Australian, who had added some rather... surprising moves of her own into the performance, which included ripping off her shirt at the end, much to Aubrey's horror.</p>
<p>"You need to do it exactly as we rehearsed it, okay? No more surprises." she said the word with a sort of dismissive distaste, as though the very idea of fun spontaneity made her feel ill. Beca chimed in now.</p>
<p>"But we should be taking risks! It's not enough to be good, we need to be different."</p>
<p>"Yeah, the Trebles never sing the same song twice." Cynthia-rose added, and there was a general murmur of agreement from the other girls. I nodded firmly, giving Beca my support.</p>
<p>"And this is coming from the girl who got herself arrested for taking risks? Pardon me if I don't follow the advice of some alt-girl with her mad-lib beats because she's never even been all the way through a competition." Aubrey shot back coldly. The tension in the room increased dramatically, and Lily whispered something unintelligible. Aubrey clapped her hands again and dismissed the rest of the girls, who exited quickly to avoid her icy glare. As she swept out dramatically, she turned back to give Beca and I a last gloating look.</p>
<p>"See you two at practice tomorrow. 8am. Sharp." The door slammed behind her. I cast an anxious look at Beca, who fell onto the bed groaning, covering her eyes with her arm.</p>
<p>"God, she hates me." I sighed, and sat beside her.</p>
<p>"I think she hates us all right now." She took her arm away and looked up at me, noticing my miserable expression. She sat up quickly.</p>
<p>"Oh Chloe, I'm so sorry." She wrapped her arms tightly around me and hugged me for a moment. I kissed her cheek, eliciting a small smile.</p>
<p>"Come on, let's get these uncomfortable uniforms off." I chuckled, detangling myself from her arms and standing. She grinned, and raised an eyebrow.</p>
<p>"Aw, but you look so sexy in that uniform Chlo." she flirted, and I blushed, shrugging off my jacket and beginning to undo my shirt. She rose and moved to stand in front of me, brushing my hands away and taking on the task of removing my shirt herself.</p>
<p>"On second thoughts, I would rather see you out of it..." I bit my lip, helping her to remove first her jacket and then her shirt. We both stepped out of our skirts and heels, falling back onto the bed in a deep kiss wearing nothing but underwear. I traced my hands over her lacy black bra, feeling her shiver at my touch. She was lying on top of me, pinning me down, and she moved her mouth to my neck now, trailing kisses up and down the tender skin. I moaned softly and pulled her closer into me, reaching to grip tightly at her back, lightly scratching her as the kisses increased in intensity. I suddenly undid the clasp of her bra at the same time as I thrust my hips upwards to meet hers, causing her to gasp into my neck and lean up enough for me to pull the garment out from between our burning bodies. She grinned, and relieved me of mine. We lay even closer together now, the feeling of skin on skin sending a tingling sensation towards the pit of my stomach.</p>
<p>"Beca..." I whispered, biting at her earlobe, causing her to writhe and gasp. She moved 'til her head was hovering above my stomach now, her hands on my breasts, her mouth leaving kisses all across the exposed flesh, stopping barely short of the top of my knickers. She grabbed the hem in her mouth teasingly, flashing me a wink as she began to pull them slowly down to my knees, shuffling back as she did so. It was achingly slow, and as I tangled my hands in her hair, she knew that I was silently begging her for it. I felt her shallow breath painting itself across the inside of my thighs as she moved back up, as slowly as before. She left a few choice kisses on the way up, her lips grazing the skin as she reached my core. I moaned a little louder now.</p>
<p>"Beca..." She placed one, gentle kiss at her destination, continuing to tease me.</p>
<p>"Tell me you want it." She grinned, her hot breath enough to send me writhing with anticipation.</p>
<p>"I want it Beca. I want you." She leant forward again, this time relenting. I felt her tongue swirling tenderly across the sensitive skin, slowly and lightly at first, building in intensity until she suddenly darted inside of me, causing me to gasp loudly. I felt her smile against me, and she increased her pace, eventually adding her fingers to the mix. I thrust my hips up to meet her and she bit playfully at my bundle of nerves. I moaned and pushed her head closer, one hand still tangled in her dark locks. We could both sense that I was coming close to the edge, and she kept up her pace, varying the pressure to stimulate fresh excitement. Finally, I came undone with a loud scream that she leapt up to silence with her own mouth pressed to mine, her fingers still gently easing me down from my high. I sighed into her mouth, then smirked and flipped her onto her back so that I was straddling her waist now.</p>
<p>"Your turn." I grinned.</p>
<p>x</p>
<p>[Beca]</p>
<p>When I woke in the morning, it was to a loud cough from my roommate. I groaned and rubbed my eyes, glancing at the clock, which showed that it was 10am. Shit. I looked over to Kimmy Jin now, who was just raising an eyebrow at me as she packed her bag full of textbooks, and I suddenly noticed that Chloe and I were lying together in the bed, fully naked. Thankfully we'd ended up under the covers at some point in the night, but it didn't stop the blush that spread across my whole face.</p>
<p>"I..I-" Kimmy Jin just shrugged, and left. I let my head fall back into the pillow, and was drifting off again when I noticed the sound of a phone vibrating from the floor. Under the pile of clothes from last night, Chloe's phone was buzzing wildly, indicating a call from Aubrey.</p>
<p>"I guess she noticed our lateness then..." I remarked, to no one in particular, as I reached over to silence it. She could wait.</p>
<p>Chloe woke me up again an hour or so later, shrieking about oversleeping.</p>
<p>"Yeah, I woke up a while back but you looked so peaceful and hot lying there, I thought I'd just leave it, we're dead already." I smirked, pulling her into another dazzling kiss. She returned it for a moment before shoving me off playfully.</p>
<p>"Beca this is serious! Do you have any idea how angry she's going to be?!" I nodded, imaging the scene and shuddering. She batted at my arm, and began to pick out some clothes from my drawer to wear back to her dorm. I pulled on some jeans and a shirt, and realised that I was due at the station in 20 minutes.</p>
<p>"Aubrey will be back in our dorm now anyway, so I'll just go and speak to her there." Chloe decided, giving me a lingering kiss as we parted. I sighed, and felt the ache of separation almost instantly as I made my way slowly to the station. When I got there, Luke was cheerful, and we talked a lot about mixes and he promised to listen to the one I gave him when he got home. As I was leaving, he became serious.</p>
<p>"Beca, about Jesse... are you sure you're okay? He's not still bugging you or anything is he?" I shook my head quickly.</p>
<p>"No, he came and apologised actually, he felt pretty bad about it all." Luke quirked an eyebrow.</p>
<p>"So he should." I tilted my head in agreement.</p>
<p>"Do you think... I know this weird, and he does annoy me so much, but could you offer him his job back? I never got why he wanted it in the first place, but I feel really bad about it." I stumbled over my words, noticing the incredulous look that Luke gave me.</p>
<p>"Look, Beca, you're a lovely person and I respect that, but I can't risk something like that happening again. It's best for you both if you keep as much distance between you as possible." I sighed and nodded, thankful that he understood where I was coming from at least.</p>
<p>"See ya." I called as I left, and I faintly heard him respond over the clattering of coffee mugs and the steady beat of the laid back reggae track echoing over the monitors. I smiled at the comfortable routine that my life was falling into. I had Chloe by my side most of the day, her vibrant red curls and piercing blue eyes bouncing across my vision in a way that made me feel incredibly anchored. Her hands were what grounded me, always meeting mine at just the right moments, always keeping me here, keeping me safe. I had Chloe and I had the Bellas, and as ridiculous and grueling as it was, I loved it. The other girls were my friends, and they were wonderful. They accepted me wholly, and I loved them for it. Then I had the radio station, Luke and my mixes. This little corner of my life was ever-present, ever-expanding, and now the faint scent of stale cigarettes and strong coffee that surrounded the station and DJ provided a feeling of comfort too. I had come to enjoy my monotonous job stacking CDs, not only because it gave me time to myself to simply think, but it was so painfully consistent and reliable that again, it made me feel safe. I couldn't recall feeling so happy in my own little world, and I was so thankful that somehow Chloe had barreled back into my life and triggered it all off.</p>
<p>She tucked me in at night but she set me free. The old me was restored by her side, and it was obvious to me now that she was all I ever wanted, all I ever needed.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>[Chloe]</p>
<p>"I'm seriously tired of this shit Chloe!" Aubrey was pale and shaking, one hand gripping the edge of her desk as she stood facing me, trying not to throw up.</p>
<p>"Bree, how many times do I have to apologise?" I was still trying console her over the fact that Beca and I had missed rehearsals that day. She shook her head, eyes downcast.</p>
<p>"Fine. Don't accept my apology. I hope you know how much shit I put up with for you Aubrey!" Her head snapped up as my tone changed from timid to furious in a matter of seconds.</p>
<p>"Why do you have to so jealous of Beca? I've already told you that you're my best friend in the whole world, you know how thankful I am for how much you helped me. I've been trying to reassure you all along that Beca won't replace you, but you're sure making it harder on yourself! Why do you keep pushing yourself away from me? Can't you see that I'm happy and have room for you both in my life?" I trailed off, breathless from my outburst. She stared at me for a few moments, her eyes beginning to fill with tears.</p>
<p>"Come here." I said, more quietly now as I pulled her into a tight embrace.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry, Chloe. It's just that... I'm used to things being under my control, you know? Well, that's how I like things anyway. That way, I know that I won't let anyone down, not if I take everything on board and try my best. So... When you just ran off after Beca, I didn't expect it at all. I didn't see it coming and I couldn't control you or your feelings. Not that I really want to but you know I guess I'm just messed up." She sobbed into my shoulder, and I patted her back soothingly.</p>
<p>"It's okay, Bree. We all are, really. You just need to trust me. Can you do that?" She nodded meekly as she drew back, dabbing at her eyes.</p>
<p>"Crap! I need to re-do my make-up." she stated, the normal, brisk Aubrey back. I smiled as she bustled off, the epitome of efficient. This was how she was. I knew that she had control issues due to the way her parents had always treated her; as high-flying business executives with no time for 'petty emotions', they had raised her harshly from the beginning, leaving her an efficient, determined, yet somehow empty adult. She had driven most people away with her scary commitment to things and controlling personality by the time we moved in as roommates together in our first year at Barden, so I guess in the way that she helped me to pick myself back up again, I helped her to fill herself up. I taught her to be more trusting and calm, and how to feel. She'd come a long way in these past years, as had I, and I smiled as I recalled that fact. Sure, she could still be difficult, but at the end of the day I did love her as my best friend and she knew it. When she returned, we sat and watched movies for a bit, and she told me what I missed at rehearsal.</p>
<p>"It was a travesty," she moaned, "Fat Amy attempted to breakdance, and let's just say it didn't end well, for anyone..." she winced at the memory and I giggled. Suddenly, a text flashed up onto my screen.</p>
<p>"It's from Beca." I said, the surprise evident in my voice. "She wants to know if she can come over, apparently she wants to talk to you..." Aubrey shrugged and smiled.</p>
<p>"Of course." I grinned, and shot Beca a quick reply. 'Sure thing! We have pizza xox'</p>
<p>The reply was quick, 'Man now that food is involved expect me there faster xox'</p>
<p>I laughed, and turned back just in time to shriek at the climax of the romantic subplot in the movie.</p>
<p>"I knew they would end up together!" cried Aubrey, and we squealed as the couple on the screen finally confessed their mutual feelings and kissed. Five minutes later, there came a knock at the door. I scrambled up to answer it.</p>
<p>"Why, ms. Mitchell, what a surprise. Do come in." I winked, opening the door to allow the smaller girl in. She rolled her eyes, unable to conceal her grin, and dumped her bag by the door.</p>
<p>"So, pizza you say?" I heard Aubrey laugh from the couch. We made out way back over, and sat curled up together, me in the middle.</p>
<p>"Pizza can come after whatever it is you came here to say." I chastised her, poking her nose. She sighed, and shifted so that she was better facing Aubrey.</p>
<p>"Aubrey," she began, and they looked at each other awkwardly for a moment before she continued.</p>
<p>"Look, I know I haven't always been particularly pleasant to you, but I want you to know that I'm just a snarky kinda person, and I don't mean it. I really appreciate everything that you've done for Chloe, and I...I'd um, really like it if we could be friends?" She left the last word as more of a question, and Aubrey broke into a broad smile.</p>
<p>"Of course we can Beca! Similarly I'll confess that I can be a bit uptight at times," Chloe coughed jokingly and Aubrey swatted at her arm before continuing. "But, even though I can come across as a cold-hearted bitch, I think you and I are pretty similar in that we both just build walls. I'm sorry about how I've treated you." I looped my arms around them both, dragging them into a massive group hug.</p>
<p>"I love you guys!" I squealed, squishing them into me, ignoring their protests as they tried to fight free.</p>
<p>"Jeez, Chloe, have you been working out or something?" Beca cried, her voice muffled in my arms. I laughed.</p>
<p>"Nope, I'm just used to being the overly affectionate one who has to trap people for hugs!" We all laughed as I released them, and they smoothed down their tousled hair.</p>
<p>"So, pizza?" Beca reiterated, and I gestured to the box on the table. She grabbed a slice, and I retrieved some ice-cream from the mini-fridge.</p>
<p>"After all, this wouldn't be a proper girl's night without ice-cream." Aubrey and I nodded in mock seriousness as I handed out the spoons and containers in a ceremonial fashion.</p>
<p>"This is a girl's night?" Beca queried, looking apprehensively at Aubrey and I as our faces betrayed shock.</p>
<p>"Beca! I know you don't watch movies but this is a stereotypical girl's night!" Aubrey cried. A thought dawned on me.</p>
<p>"Have you... never had a girls night?" she blushed and shook her head timidly. I shrieked and shoved the ice-cream at her with more force now, also placing a ton of pillows around her.</p>
<p>"Initiation night! Wooh!"</p>
<p>[Beca]</p>
<p>Aubrey and Chloe initially looked horrified that I didn't seem to know they layout of a standard girl's night, but that quickly transformed into glee when they realised that they would get to teach me the ways of said girly-ritual time. First came junk food and a chick flick, (to which I protested, but they insisted, Chloe holding me down and plying me with kisses until I relented, and actually ended up quite enjoying it...) quickly moving onto beauty routines, such as painting each others' nails and doing our hair. I soon realised that this wasn't going to be as much fun for me as it was for Aubrey and Chloe, but I went along with it for their sakes. They curled my hair into massive ringlets and painted my toe-nails, a different colour for each, before setting up a mound of pillows to lounge in as we gossiped. Gossip quickly turned to something that I had seen of Fat Amy and Bumper, the head Treble.</p>
<p>"Yeah I totally saw them together at aca-initiation night... Let's just say, he's not called 'head' treble for nothing..." I hinted heavily, and they screamed, Aubrey throwing a pillow at me before covering her ears.</p>
<p>"Oh god! I did NOT need that visual! Ugh, that was the one rule... I can't say I'm surprised though, Amy is one for breaking the rules as such." Chloe stuck her tongue out in mock distaste, and I giggled.</p>
<p>"So, Bree, did you hook up with anyone at initiation night?" Chloe asked, and Aubrey blushed, stuttering out an excuse.</p>
<p>"Oh my god, you so did! Who?!" I laughed, leaning in closer to elicit a reply. Chloe's face looked like that of an eager puppy, and Aubrey glanced helplessly between us.</p>
<p>"No! No, it was... It was just a college thing! We were drunk, it doesn't mean anything. It totally doesn't matter." She tried to brush it off, but we were determined now.</p>
<p>"Auuuubreeeeeyyy." I whined, and Chloe pouted.</p>
<p>"Oh god! Fine. Fine, see if you can guess, I actually can't say it!" Aubrey sighed.</p>
<p>"Hmmm... was it a Treble?!" I grinned as she wrinkled her nose at the suggestion.</p>
<p>"The very notion! No, it most certainly was not. It's better than that at least."</p>
<p>"If it's not a treble, then that leaves the BU harmonics..." I mused.</p>
<p>"I'm pretty sure every guy in that group is gay." Chloe stated, and I continued.</p>
<p>"The high notes..." Aubrey snorted, and looked at the ceiling.</p>
<p>"Then that just leaves... The BELLAS!" Chloe gasped as I stated what I'd been suspecting all along.</p>
<p>"BREE! Who was it?!" Aubrey sighed again, and rubbed her temples.</p>
<p>"Fuck. It was Stacie. We were drunk!" She shrieked as we gasped and gaped at each other.</p>
<p>"Dude..." I laughed.</p>
<p>"Well, she is hot at least." Chloe giggled, and I whacked her lightly.</p>
<p>"Oy, eyes on the prize." I flirted, winking. Aubrey pretended to gag.</p>
<p>"Oh, please, save it for later! And honestly, if you tell anyone you are so dead." We nodded seriously before dissolving into another fit of giggles. Okay, so I was starting to warm up to this aspect of girl's night. We talked some more, before Aubrey yawned pointedly and reminded us that she had an early class the next day.</p>
<p>"And Bellas is at 3pm tomorrow, I don't know if it's possible for you two to oversleep and miss that one but I'm sure you'll find a way if I don't remind you." She winked and got up to leave, retreating into her bedroom and closing the door. One of many advantages to being a senior that I had noticed; the dorms were much spacier, with separate bedrooms and even a small kitchen area. Chloe and I alone now, I trailed my hands across her thighs, and moved to sit atop them, now draping my arms over her shoulders.</p>
<p>"Hi." I whispered, leaning in for a delicate kiss.</p>
<p>"Hi." She replied into my mouth, before suddenly gripping me and standing me up, carrying me into her room and depositing me onto the bed. She closed the door quietly behind her, and flopped on top of me, capturing my lips in another kiss.</p>
<p>"So, how'd you enjoy girl's night?" She giggled quietly, lips brushing my ear.</p>
<p>"It was alriiiight... Could be better though..." I retorted, and even in the dark she saw my teasing smirk.</p>
<p>"We'll see about that." she purred, pushing me back into the pillows.</p>
<p>x</p>
<p>The next step for the Bellas was semis. We crowded around the wings of the stage watching on in horror as a group called The Footnotes did a flawless, showy version of 'Blame it on the Boogie', fronted by a talented freshman who threw knowing looks at us as we huddled together, whispering furiously, evidently panic-stricken.</p>
<p>"It's over! There's no way we can beat The Footnotes AND The Trebles!" Fat Amy was groaning, contributing to the rising panic. Aubrey did her best to calm us.</p>
<p>"We only need to place second to advance to the finals, which means we only have to beat one of them, okay? We can do this, so long as we do it exactly as planned!" Aubrey had been stricter than ever during rehearsals, despite revealing her light side to Chloe and I during 'girl's night'. Chloe told me that it was just because she was anxious to redeem herself after the incident at last year's finals. Aubrey had projectile vomited everywhere during her solo, probably scarring everyone present for life and losing the Bellas the finals. In truth, I thought that they wouldn't have won anyway, not with their totally outdated setlist, but Aubrey had placed all of the blame on herself according to Chloe, and this just fueled her determination this year.</p>
<p>"Besides, it's our last year, this is her last chance to win. It means a lot to her." Chloe reminded me one night, getting that far-off look in her eyes that appeared whenever she started talking about this being her final year at Barden, or the future. I had yet to tell her of my plans for LA, but figured it could wait. And so, with Aubrey in mega-control mode, I hadn't been able to discuss my mix ideas with her, and we were stuck singing the same song again today. We were announced, and Aubrey and Chloe lead us confidently onto the stage. As we launched into the song, I noticed a large portion of the audience switch off almost immediately. The sound guy got out his phone and started checking it, and several members of the audience and judging panel visibly sighed and sat further back in their chairs to endure our dull performance. I felt a sudden, rising anger. We were better than this. We actually had a lot of potential; okay, we have seemed like a group of misfits singing weird acapella songs, but in reality I knew that we could win this thing, if only I could convince Aubrey to change the set. But then it hit me that if we lost this, it was already too late. And we were sure to, what with The Footnotes and The Trebles in the way. I knew that I had to act right now if we were in for any chance at all. I had the song in my head already, it'd been there as we'd been rehearsing earlier that day. It stuck because I'd already been mixing it recently, and had been surprised when it fit perfectly. As Aubrey began her section of the solo, I closed my eyes and took the leap.</p>
<p>"This time, maybe, I'll be, bulletproof," I sang, projecting my voice as I didn't have a microphone. I noticed the other girls blanch and glance over at me, shocked, and Amy stumbled during her dance, evidently thrown off. I took my focus off of Aubrey's terrifying glare and the nerves that had suddenly set in as I continued to sing 'Bulletproof' by La Roux, and instead thought about the lyrics. They reminded me of the day that Chloe had barged into my shower to cajole me into joining this group, and it had quickly come to be 'our song' in my mind, as cliche and cheesy as that sounds. On top of that, they related to my current emotions. Maybe this time, what I was doing would be good enough. Maybe no one would shoot me down, maybe I would be bulletproof. I looked up and saw some of the judges nodding in approval, and felt happy for a moment. That came crashing down around me as soon as we got off stage. Aubrey turned on me, squaring up to me, eyes blazing.</p>
<p>"What the hell Beca, were you trying to throw us off?" Underneath the anger, I could hear that she was genuinely upset, but shook it off.</p>
<p>"Seriously?! Okay, I'm sorry if I messed you up, but in case you hadn't noticed, everybody pretty much dozed off during our set!"</p>
<p>"It's not your job to decide what we do and when we do it. This isn't the Beca show. Why don't you ask the others how they felt about your little improvisation?" Chloe bit her lip and looked down at her hands. My gaze fell on Amy.</p>
<p>"Amy?" I asked quietly. She glanced up at Aubrey, then back to me.</p>
<p>"Yeah, it was cool... it's just took us a little bit by surprise..."</p>
<p>"Yeah, a lot by surprise." Aubrey adjust her scarf smugly. "I told you she wasn't a Bella." She remarked to Chloe, who immediately jumped in.</p>
<p>"Aubrey, don't-"</p>
<p>"No, it's okay, you don't have to pretend you're allowed to have a say in the group, right?" I cut her off, my attempt at casual sarcasm overcome by the emotions that I couldn't stop myself from feeling. Was this what happened when I opened up to people?</p>
<p>"Your attitude sucks, you're a grade A pain in my ass and I don't care if you're with Chloe, that doesn't give you some sort of free pass to do whatever the hell you want." Aubrey continued, stepping forward to loom over me.</p>
<p>"If this is what I get for trying." I shrugged, backing down as I turned and walked briskly away. I heard someone calling my name as I pushed through the exit doors and out onto the street. I walked in the dark until I saw a taxi and hailed it, instructing it to take me back to Barden. All the way back, all I could think was what a mistake I had made in opening up. This was the very reason I'd built up my walls in the first place, to avoid getting hurt like this, but now I couldn't stop the emotions. I hadn't numbed anything in weeks, and I had almost forgotten now, so as I rushed back into my dorm, stripping off my uniform as quickly as I could, I was already fighting the crushing pain in my chest.</p>
<p>Chloe wasn't there to hold me through it.</p>
<p>Fuck.</p>
<p>I slipped into my sweatpants and a shirt, the ones that she had worn recently, hoping that her lingering scent would be enough to anchor me down, but it wasn't. It wasn't nearly enough. I lay on my bed wrestling with myself, fighting back tears and for once wishing that Kimmy Jin was there to glare at me, to save me from myself.</p>
<p>Dizzy with a mixture or remorse, self-hatred and undeniable tiredness, I finally dragged myself up to a sitting position. Maybe history was doomed to repeat itself. Maybe this was the sign I needed to tell me that I would never be good enough, that I should just leave now. Maybe it was my time. I sat there mulling over these thoughts for a few moments, then stood up to take action.</p>
<p>x</p>
<p>[Chloe]</p>
<p>After yelling at Aubrey for her outburst at Beca, I myself sprinted out of the building where semis had been held, frantically searching for a cab. I was worried about Beca. She looked so upset when she had walked out, and if it wasn't for my anger at Aubrey then I'd have followed her straight away. I was regretting not doing that now. What if she didn something truly awful? At the least I was worried that she'd relapse slightly, when she'd been doing so well, but the real thought that spurred me to run faster than ever before was that she had the potential to try to leave again. And I wasn't there, when she needed me most, and I was hating myself for it in that moment. I finally hailed a cab and instructing the driver to go full speed to Barden, I began trying to call her with increasing urgency. We arrived in under 15 minutes which, all credit to the driver, was an achievement, but it wasn't quick enough to soothe my panic. Removing my heels, I ran barefoot all the way to her room in Baker hall, finally reaching her dorm and banging frantically on the door.</p>
<p>"Beca!" I called, pressed to the door, unable to stop the sobs that were forcing their way up my windpipe from escaping. I heard nothing from inside, and I banged on the door again, desperate to get in.</p>
<p>"Beca! Let me in, Beca I'm so so sorry, I'm here now! Please, Beca!" I thought I could hear faint noises coming from inside now, but I still couldn't hear a reply.</p>
<p>"Oh god." I muttered, pressing my forehead to the door. Suddenly, a voice came from behind me.</p>
<p>"Uh, Chloe?" It was Kimmy Jin, Beca's roommate, and I had never been so glad to see her in my life.</p>
<p>"Oh thank god, please let me in, I'm really worried about Beca." I pleaded, and taking in the sight of my tearstained face and wild eyes, she handed me her key without question. My fingers fumbled as I tried to get it into the lock, but then it was in and I opened the door and the next thing I knew was white noise. And screaming. I think that was me.</p>
<p>What had I done?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>[Beca]</p><p>It was like my nightmare had come to life. I lay helpless, unable to move, only able to watch on as she burst in the door and fell to her knees, screaming. Kimmy Jin stood behind her, wide eyed and stuttering, already calling an ambulance. My new anchor was the weight of the tiredness that had suddenly seeped into my bones, the weight of the guilt of what I had just done. If I could have found the words, I would have told her that I was sorry, and that I loved her, but I couldn't carry on. She tried desperately to cover my wounds, sobbing into my side as she knelt beside me, pressing frantic kisses into my cheek, begging me to hold on. It was such a blur. Somewhere along the way my dad turned up, and started shouting and barging around, but the paramedics eventually asked him and the other onlookers to leave, and Chloe remained, clutching my hands as I was patched up and quickly transferred into the back of an ambulance. This was all too familiar. I wanted to fight, to refuse treatment, but I couldn't move or speak for the fatigue, and had to watch on as they hooked me up to countless drips and machines, and once in the hospital, pump me full of blood and saline and stitch me back up again and eventually leave me to rest. She never left my side through it all, curled up in the hard plastic chair beside my bed, her knees tucked up to her chest as she looked at me with hollow eyes. When I could finally speak and move enough to sit up, she dropped to her knees by my bed and held my hand, waiting for me to say something. Anything.</p><p>"I'm... I'm sorry Chloe." I croaked, my throat sore from the tubes that had kept me breathing a while earlier when my lungs gave out. She rubbed her thumb across my knuckles, looking me dead in the eyes.</p><p>"I'm here for you Beca. It's going to be okay, I'm not going anywhere." I nodded.</p><p>"I love you Chloe, I just felt like everything had gotten to be too much, like it had to be my time. I didn't know how to block out the sadness when you weren't there. I didn't know how to feel okay." She kissed my hand now, and I knew then that I was actually happy to still be alive.</p><p>The doctor returned and started to discuss me getting therapy, to which I reluctantly agreed. I'd already talked to a therapist about 20 minutes prior to this doctor, and had told her of my past and how Chloe was helping me already.</p><p>"It would seem," he mused, scanning over the notes that she had left. "That you already have recovered a good deal on your own, or I suppose not on your own." He smiled at Chloe, who gripped my hand tighter. "Therefore, it should only take a couple of sessions to really get you back on track, and learning how to cope with your openness issues." I nodded, relieved that I wasn't being slung into a mental institute.</p><p>x</p><p>I returned to Barden 3 days later. During my time in the hospital I was visited by my dad, the Bellas and even Jesse, and Chloe never left. Aubrey brought her a bag of clothes and wash things and so she never left my side.</p><p>The Bellas were all very encouraging, Fat Amy making the best of things as usual.</p><p>"You'll be outta here in no time short-stack, and then we can hit up all the best clubs together and you can get me pity sex!" we all laughed, and when they left I was still smiling. Aubrey herself had lingered to apologise profusely for her behavior, and with a promise to listen to a CD of my mixes that Chloe had given her. Jesse was sheepish as ever, and brought me a couple of DVDs to watch.</p><p>"I know you don't really like movies, but I'm guessing you might get bored and these are really great movies. They've helped me deal with things before." He left with a small smile, and Chloe and I watched them that night, curled up together in my hospital bed. We watched 'The Breakfast Club' first, which I actually enjoyed, and then I fell asleep during 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower', much to Chloe's amusement. Upon my return, Kimmy Jin actually hugged me.</p><p>"Beca... I'm really sorry for ever being mean to you. I never knew things were that bad..." I hugged her back, and thanked her. Chloe stayed with me every night, and my nightmares soon vanished altogether.</p><p>Maybe sometimes things just have to get worse to get better.</p><p>On my third day in hospital, Chloe got a text from Aubrey to say that the talented 'freshman' lead vocalist of The Footnotes had been discovered to be a high school student, and they had promptly been disqualified from the competition. On top of that incredible news of a second chance. Aubrey loved the mixes, and as much as it pained her to admit it, she had been wrong to turn down my ideas. At the next Bellas rehearsal, to much cheering and whooping, she handed me the pitch pipe, and I lead the girls in a totally improvised, totally amazing mash up based around the song, 'Just the way you are' by Bruno Mars. Chloe, to whom I gave the lead vocal, didn't take her eyes off me the whole time as she sang, and I couldn't hold back my grin as we all finished effortlessly, clapping and squealing at what we had just achieved.</p><p>"We're sure to win this thing now!" cried Cynthia-rose.</p><p>"Yeah, if we all work really hard we can do it for sure." I smiled, and the others laughed.</p><p>"You sound like me, don't let the pitch pipe go to your head!" giggled Aubrey, and Fat Amy gasped.</p><p>"It's the source of her evil powers! Run whilst you still can DJ!" she yelled mockingly.</p><p>"I think I have something else that can help us out," said Lily, and everyone stared at her, shocked to hear her talking at normal aubdible volume for once. She told us about how she'd secretly been taking beatboxing lessons from Donald, one of the Trebles, and despite Aubrey's protests it turned out that she was amazing at it, which gave a whole new scope to our abilities.</p><p>"Well, I'll get to work on an arrangement tonight, and we can start on it tomorrow!" I stated, and the others nodded happily. As we all dispersed back to our dorms for the evening, Chloe linked arms with me, careful to avoid the section of my wrists still covered with white bandages.</p><p>"Well done, Beca. You're amazing, you know that?" She stopped, and turned to face me.</p><p>"Um..." I giggled as she kissed me gently, running her hands through my tangled hair now.</p><p>"Yep, you are, and you'd better believe it." She smiled into my mouth, and we jogged back to my dorm. Once there, we collapsed on the bed and I snuggled back into her arms.</p><p>"I really love you, Chloe. You're incredible. I don't know what I'd do without you." She poked me in the ribs.</p><p>"You'd be just as amazing silly, but thank you." She sighed, and tightened her embrace.</p><p>x</p><p>[Chloe]</p><p>The ICCA finals came around faster than I had time to realise. Everything seemed to move in a blur, and turned out better than I could have imagined. Beca improved drastically after her time in hospital, and she even found that speaking to the therapist a few times did make a difference. But she told me later in a quiet voice like the light breeze on water that she knew that the only reason that she was getting better was me, and that now that she had finally truly hit the bottom, she knew how to get back up. And so we stayed together pretty much all day every day, and her nightmares vanished completely.</p><p>She created a totally stunning mix for the finals. It included 'Price Tag' and 'Don't you forget about me', the song from the end of The Breakfast Club, amongst snippets of other songs. She also did something new in deciding to showcase each person's individual style and talents. Lily's beatboxing was given free range, and Cynthia-rose got to do a rap. Fat Amy even had her own quirky solo. Aubrey, now with less to focus on, went crazy with the choriography. With me and Stacie assisting her, she came up with a more fun, interesting routine that required more physical exertion than ever, but for once nobody complained to this effect. And so, on the day of finals we huddled in the wings of the stage excitedly, and watched on as The Trebles made another great performance.</p><p>"Okay guys, let's just smash this." grinned Fat Amy as we heard ourselves being announced, to the cheers of the huge audience. We heard excited whispers as we strode out confidently in our new attire - gone were the air-hostess style uniforms, and in their place we wore our own variations of a general style, mostly jeans and a blue shirt with a jacket of sorts, and our scarves were each worn differently. I wore mine around my neck still, and Beca had hers around her wrist, covering one of the large scars that still stood out as new and sore. I smiled across at her as she blew the pitch pipe and counted us in.</p><p>It was exhilarating to say the least. We started off slowly, bursting suddenly into the full, fast-paced chorus of 'Price Tag' and from there on in everything melded so effortlessly that the crowd never stopped cheering. As Beca sang the words to her solo in 'Don't you forget about me', she locked eyes with me, and I saw the sparkle of life within them that had been steadily growing ever since her nightmares had stopped plaguing her a couple of weeks back. She was starting to live. She had defeated the low and was alive and I had never felt so proud of anyone. We received a standing ovation as we finished the song, and to no surprise we won by a landslide. My face was aching with smiling so hard, and from the audience I could see Beca's dad, equally happy.</p><p>Sometimes, things have to get worse before they can get better, because it is only because of what happens in these times that we can finally see the way forward. And now that I had felt total emptiness it only served to make me appreciate how good I felt right now all the more. Beca threw herself into my arms as we skipped off stage, and pulled me into a passionate kiss, causing the other Bellas to 'ooh' and 'ahh'. This was it. This was how things were meant to be. We'd fixed it.</p><p>
  <strong>EPILOGUE</strong>
</p><p>[Beca]</p><p>Ten years passed by somehow as achingly slowly as the time in your least favourite lesson but simultaneously faster than I could have imagined possible. As I pulled up into the driveway of my small house in downtown LA, I could've sworn that we had only won the finals just yesterday, the feelings were still so fresh and vibrant. I unlocked the front door and stepped inside, kicking off my shoes into a large, haphazard pile and groaning as my feet relaxed onto the soft, carpeted floors. I head noises from the kitchen, and walked in to see her there doing something with a load of saucepans.</p><p>"Honey, what are you trying to do?" I laughed, moving to help her as she tried to slot a particularly heavy pan back into the cupboard.</p><p>"I just wanted this little one here, but it was right at the back! I bet you put that there." She sighed, a smile in her voice, and turned to rest her hands on my shoulders.</p><p>"Good day at work?" I nodded, letting my eyes brush over her sleepy eyes and slightly messy hair.</p><p>"Mmhmm, I had that new client back in again, he was happy with the ideas that I had so we're going ahead with this new project. It should be good for us in terms of income." She beamed, and kissed my nose affectionately, before turning back to the task of sorting the pans.</p><p>"That's wonderful." I grabbed her waist, spinning her back round.</p><p>"Hey, I'm not done with you yet." She raised and eyebrow and put aside the saucepan that she had been clutching.</p><p>"Oh really?" a flick of her head sent her curls flying, her hair still as red as the day I first met her. I pushed her back against the counter, my lips brushing against hers teasingly.</p><p>"This reminds me of our honeymoon..." I whispered, watching her eyes light up at the mention of the occasion.</p><p>"Well I certainly wouldn't mind replicating that night..." I glanced at my watch, which showed it to be 11:30pm.</p><p>"Well we've got all night babe. I don't have to be in at work until the afternoon tomorrow so we can lie in..." She grinned, and lifted me up to carry me into the next room. I groaned, helpless in her arms.</p><p>"You'd think I'd have grown just a smidge in 10 years." I sighed as she laid me out on the bed. She smiled adoringly.</p><p>"Well I think you're amazing, just the way you are." she sang, and I groaned.</p><p>"And you're still as cheesy as ever, but I love you anyway." I retorted, squealing as she landed on top of me.</p><p>"Sshh now. Oh, and remember, Aubrey and her kids are coming round this weekend for dinner, and I promised the other girls that we'd have a meetup soon as well. Try not to forget and sleep through it at work again?" I laughed and promised, remembering the last time Chloe's parents had come round, just after our wedding, and I had fallen asleep whilst mixing at work. All in all, everything had slotted firmly together. Chloe and I were happily married, and still in touch with all of the Bellas, particularly Aubrey, who lived only half an hour away now. I actually managed to make it as a DJ. After hearing my mixes, Luke had started to play everything I churned out, and sent loads of samples off to his friends in the business. That meant that after leaving Barden early at the same time that Chloe graduated and moving to LA, I already had jobs lined up, and now I worked full-time as a DJ for a main station, creating mixes for private clients and even doing some producing here and there. Chloe was still using her English Lit. for writing, and her novels were well on their way to being successful. Sometimes I just wish that I'd not focused on the sad parts of that haunting song that used to be the soundtrack to my nightmares, and actually listened to the real message;</p><p>
  <em>And take that head of yours and stick it through the clouds</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You've been buried underneath our world</em>
</p><p>
  <em>With all your selfish doubt</em>
</p><p>
  <em>By the time you turn the clocks all back</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You'll be covered in all the leaves</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It's a shame you didn't look around</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Oh, all the things you'd see</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Defeat the low</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading! As mentioned previously, if you feel you are struggling with any of the issues mentioned in this fic, please reach out and seek help towards recovery. I feel now it would be irresponsible of me to post this story without including these resources and disclosing that although i struggled with many of things I talked about in this story for a long time, I sought help and change and am living a different life now. </p><p>Crisis support lines: <br/>UK: Samaritans - 116 123 <br/>US: National Suicide Prevention Hotline - 1-800-273-8255 (Online chat, ESP &amp; Deaf / HOH options availble) <br/>AUS: Lifeline - 13 11 14 <br/>Further list of worldwide hotlines: https://www.suicidestop.com/call_a_hotline.html</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>